Perhaps one of the hardest parts of this experience has been being around people that act as though nothing has happened in our lives, that Branson was never apart of us. I am working on accepting and appreciating that these people probably just don't know what to say, or they think that in not mentioning him or talking about this experience that it will help us, save us from more heartache. However, it's a hard thing to accept when Branson is so real to us, such a huge part of who we are. It's not that I want people to medle around us in sorrow or unhappiness, but when people walk into our home for the first time since we were seperated from Branson, and they see our beautiful pictures of him up and see his nursery right off of our family room, it would be nice to just have them mention what a beautiful baby he is, or how cute his nursery is... just something so it doesn't feel as though there is an elephant in the room. Like I mentioned before, when I talk to people about it for the first time, the thing I love to talk about is him...not our heartache. I was thinking the other day if anyone would ever say "congratulations" to us on having a little boy...I don't know that day will ever come because of the heartache involved. However, at times I do feel like rejoicing that we have an eternal family, celebrating that we are parents.
Rob and I feel really strongly that this experiecne serves a purpose, that there are many things that we can learn from it. So as I feel these emotions and have these thoughts, I try to reflect and learn from each one. So as I was thinking about this, I started to think about God and his son Jesus Christ. I imagine that at times God may feel something similar as we, here on Earth, go about our lives as though "nothing has happened". That his son was never here, that he didn't atone for our sins, or give his life that we might live again. I wondered how many times I personaly have forgotten these life changing events, not used them for what purpose they were done, or have gone long periods of time without expressing gratitude to God that he let his son come, that he was and is real, and that the things he did while he was here are important to me.
While we have only faced a few people who have acted as though nothing has happened, millions of people every day go about life as though Jesus Christ never happened. It is my prayer that I might do better at remembering him every day, use the atonement to bring peace to my mind, and rejoice in the recsurection... that it may bring joy to my heart in knowing that because Christ is real, that he was here I will be reunited with my son for eternity!
Our Family
On July 1st, 2008 my husband and I welcomed our first little boy to our family...Branson. The day before he was born it was discovered that his little heart had stopped beating, and that he would not be joining us here. After waiting 5 years for this day, we were shocked and devasted to say the least. Although we are three months out, it feels like we are still right in the thick of things. As I am finding out, grieving is a difficult, long, and at times unbearable process. I create this blog as a place for me to record my emotions, thoughts, and feelings. A place where I can talk about the hard days, the peaceful days, the angry days, the days full of questions,the lonely days, the joyful days, and every day inbetween. I hope through my sharing, I will see the the things I am learning, the things I have been blessed with, and the love that the Lord and Branson have for me. I also pray that in some small way, this might benefit others who face a similar trial. A place that we can all reflect on as part of our healing journey.
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1 comment:
Dear Natalie,
It is early in the morning and i couldn't sleep....I have been anxious to read your last blog installment.... I just finished.
WOW I am so blown away with your wisdom and insight....you are helping me in alot of ways to better understand what you have and are going threw. With all my heart I hope the Lord will continue to bless you with insight and wisdom and maybe even though it is just a small bit upon small bit at a time of understanding, I can definatly see it happening. I sure wish you and Rob were closer so I could see you more often...I really need the interaction I feel when I am around you. Since that is not to be I am grateful for e-mail so we can have some interaction that way.
May the Lord's choicest blessings be yours.
Love Dad
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