"Adam fell that man might be, and men are that they might have Joy."
2 Nephi 2:25
Since we had Branson I have thought a lot about this scripture. God wants us to experience joy. I've wondered, "Why then are we going through all of this pain, loneliness, and grief?" There have been "joyous" moments through having our son, but there have definitely been moments of great sorrow and days full of heartache as well.
I, like many others, read the book "The Secret". I believe that many of it's principles are true when aligned with gospel principles. However, because of what it teaches, I have repeatedly questioned myself if Rob and I "attracted" this experience. Was I too worried about my pregnancy, was I too concerned about the health of my little boy, did I fear the worst too often? This has really bothered me a lot and for a long time it put a lot of extra weight to the burdens we've carried. I felt like we must be responsible in some way for this "tragedy" that had occured, and that we must have done something to bring this experience upon us.
One day imparticular this was weighing especially heavy on my mind and heart. I went over to a friends house and confided my feelings and thoughts to her. Her response was simple, but has completely changed my perspective on this aspect of this experience. She said, "So what if you did attract this Natalie, look at what you've attracted...an eternal, celestial son! Ya know Natalie, God is concerned with making us holy, more than he is concerned with making us happy."
I loved that! We talked about how Rob and I are experiencing earthly sorrow and mortal pain, but that if we had "attracted" this, we had attracted eternal joy! I felt the spirit so strong. I was amazed at the beauty of the truth she shared with me that day.
There are many things that bring us Earhtly happiness... but there are only a few things we do in this life that can bring us eternal joy, and having an eternal family is one of them! As I reflect now on this concept and the scripture about us experiencing joy, I can see that God has provided that joy for Rob and I in a very real way. I feel now that my concerns and worries about Branson during my pregnancy we probably very normal and motherly. I am thankful for the joyous eternal perspective I've gained. It helps see me through the hard days I face. It gives me hope. I can hardly imagine the joy we'll feel when we are reunited with our sweet son...men are that they might have joy!
Our Family
On July 1st, 2008 my husband and I welcomed our first little boy to our family...Branson. The day before he was born it was discovered that his little heart had stopped beating, and that he would not be joining us here. After waiting 5 years for this day, we were shocked and devasted to say the least. Although we are three months out, it feels like we are still right in the thick of things. As I am finding out, grieving is a difficult, long, and at times unbearable process. I create this blog as a place for me to record my emotions, thoughts, and feelings. A place where I can talk about the hard days, the peaceful days, the angry days, the days full of questions,the lonely days, the joyful days, and every day inbetween. I hope through my sharing, I will see the the things I am learning, the things I have been blessed with, and the love that the Lord and Branson have for me. I also pray that in some small way, this might benefit others who face a similar trial. A place that we can all reflect on as part of our healing journey.
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4 comments:
Dearest Natalie,
That is awesome insight. Your experience is helping me alot as well. I am so grateful that you are doing this blog spot, I hope it is helping you as well as me. I am so proud of you and Rob...again I had the feeling come to me that all will be well and that in a coming day you will be made whole.
When I see people and they ask how many grandchildren I have I am always so proud to say the magical number of "6". It is always good to tell them our story.
Please know that you are loved and missed.
Love Dad
Dear Natalie,
We just finished devotional and I had to come and read your blog again,and had another feeling that i wanted to share. Light attracts light...darkness attracts dark. I have not read the book you refer to but if it teaches or implies that you did in fact some how attract this into your life I can't buy into that line of reasoning. I am always amazed that even in our agony and heartache Satan will not leave us alone...he would place doubts in our mind in any way he can to try to plant a seed of unbelief. This is just the opposite of Heavenly Father who while he may not reveal everything all at once will always provide a little insight threw a friend or family or priesthood leader but he will never plant seeds of doubt that would lead us away from him and into darkness. Natalie and Rob I know with all my heart that your Heavenly Father is aware of you and the concerns and feelings of your heart and I know he loves you with a love that is pure.
Love Dad
Thanks for sharing this comment that your friend made. I believe she is right. One definite flaw that the book "The Secret" has is that it's authors don't know the doctrine of the pre-existence and they don't understand at all what went on there,Even we as members with the restored gospel don't understand a lot, but at least we know that we agreed to the life that would be ours here on earth and that God would never force such a trial on us if we hadn't accepted it through free agency before we came to earth.
I believe you are Rob were offered this trial because of the greatness of the decisions you had made to that point in your existence and that with your eternal perspective and the trust placed in you by God in offering this trial you used your free agency to accept it.
Natalie,
Firstly, I am so unbeliveably sorry for all these things you have had to endure. I am so familiar with the ache in your heart when you lose someone. I am amazed and inspired by the strength of your family.
Secondly...What your friend is so beautiful, and so true. But may I add....There is a difference between what we attract or choose and what our Heavenly Father has CALLED us to do. This is a calling, Natalie, and a beautiful one at that. I think only you and your husband will ever understand or know what it means to be called to be the parents of a celestial child.
You guys are continually in our hearts and prayers.
Julie (Pace) DeCoria
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