Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Tonight as I lie here in my bed, tears streaming down my face, I can see this picture across the room on my dresser. I love this picture because it stirs so many emotions inside my heart and soul. I love the way Branson looks in this picture, as though he is sleeping in the safety of my arms. I love the look on Rob's face, one of a proud father. I love the way that my eyes seem full of peace. I think that you can see many emotions in our faces...joy, sorrow, pride, loss, misunderstanding, and peace.
Tonight as I look at this picture I feel very lonely and a little empty. I wish with all the energy of my being that I could be holding Branson in my arms again like that right now, that I could whisper words of love in his ear, and feel his spirit envelope mine again like it did that day. Instead, I lie here with aching arms and an empty cradle next to my bed.
I am grateful however for my "squishy". In this picture Branson is wrapped in a soft, blue blanket that we brought to the hospital with us that day. He spent most of the day swaddled in that blanket. He also spent time in a plush, brown blanket that he was wrapped in when the nurse took Branson from us. We were able to get both blankets back from the hospital...and they have now become our "squishies". I'm not sure where they got their name, but Rob and I each have one. We have slept with our squishies since the day we had Branson. Each night we both cuddle up to one and hold it, along with each other, as we fall asleep. I don't think that either one of us will ever forget the day we held our son in these blankets, for a short time they held the child that we have grown to love so intensely over the last year. They are a symbol of that love.
I find myself holding my squishy during the lonely times, as it is one of the very few "physical" things I have that was part of our short time with Branson. I think of all the tears that have been shed on it, all the loving words that have been whispered into it, all the heartfelt prayers that have been offered while holding it, and all the love that has been "squished" into it, and I am so grateful that it's mine to have forever.
I have wondered if there will come a day or a night that I won't feel the need to hold it close, but for now I can't imagine it. For now I'll hold it tight and share a few more tears with "my squishy".