Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Painful Visit

Today I had a doctors appointment. This was to be the second post-op visit since my surgery 2 1/2 months ago in which my doctor removed the fibroids that they think may have played a part in the tragic cord accident. The main purpose of the visit today was to have an ultra sound so that the doctor could look at my uterus and see how things are healing. He wanted to be able to gage for us how much longer it would be until he would give us the "go ahead" to start trying to get pregnant.
It has been one of the hardest days in a while. I knew that today's salt would sting, but I wasn't ready for the painful memories that accompanied it.
In his office they just have one ultrasound room, and for me it is "the room". The room that brought my world to a screeching halt. The room that haunts my memory, and pulls at my heart. The room that I hate. The room where a mother's worst fears were made a reality. The room where I saw a still heart, and a lifeless body just four short months ago.
I did pretty good at keeping my emotions in check as the tender nurse led me back to the room and went through the routine instructions. However, as soon as she shut the door I pretty much lost it. As I stood there my mind was flooded with the events of June 30th. The whole day replayed in my mind, and it was as if I re-lived the all of the emotions of that day.
I was finally able to put on the robe and climb up on the table to wait for the doctor to come in. As I sat there, tears streaming down my face, I kept trying to prepare myself to see an empty screen today...no heartbeat, no movement, no baby. It was such an empty feeling. I tried to remember what it was like when that screen was full of life, and that room full of joy.
As the doctor began the ultrasound, he said he wanted to take a look at the uterus, it's lining, and the insicion sites. As he did this he commented on how happy he was with how things seemed to be healing, and he said that he was hopeful for our future.
I couldn't hardly even ask any questions because I was so choked up with emotion, but I was able to talk to him about when we could start trying to get pregnant, and then came another blow...March, yes March! I know that to most people three and a half months doesn't seem that long, but it seems like an eternity to us. Time seems to just crawl by when we think about how long it will be until we can hold another baby in our arms. This news brought on another wave of emotion and thoughts. It's the hardest thing in the world to be told that you have to "prevent" a pregnancy when that is the thing you desire most.
I was thankful to come home tonight to the warm, loving, understanding arms of Rob. It is with him that I am completly open. I appreciate him so much for the love he unconditionally shows. I am grateful that he understands my pain, and yearns to help me through the hard times. I am thankful for the tears we shed as we cuddled our "squishies" and reminiced about our son. I am blessed to have such an incredible companion that is in this with me all the way.
Although today was hard and painful, I look forward to the fresh start tomorrow offers. Branson, I love you and miss you more than words can express! I miss your movement, the sound of your heartbeat, and your hicups. I'll be loving you tonight and forever.

8 comments:

The Hammonds said...

Nat,
As I told you the other night I am so sorry about your news. Then I think sorry does not even touch it. I am not proud of it but when we got off the phone tuesday afternoon. I was mad. I was so mad! Robert had just told me earlier about a student pregnant and all I could think is why God? Why? You preform miracles everyday why not one for those who follow you and love you no matter what path you lead them down. I looked at my two miracles and how happy they make us and I desired so bad for you and Rob to have that also. Then after we went to the meeting I was talking to Robert and I realized that although the wait is discouraging there is a reason for it. One that we may not understand. Maybe it is that God needs you to be pregnant right at the right time so you can minister to someone that you would only come across when you are expecting. What ever his reason I believe that he does have a ultimate plan. I pray that you feel his love and glory in things all around you now.
Brandy
P.S.
only 2 days till Christmas decorating comes!

Robyn said...

Thank you so much for your continued posts. I admire you and Rob so much for your faith and want you to know that your testimony and your thoughts have strengthened my own testimony. I really appreciate you both.
Robyn Kyhl

Michelle said...

Oh, Natalie, this was such a good post. You are so beautifully real in the thoughts and feelings you share. I hate that you had to go through this. I feel like I went through it with you after reading it--just imagining what it would feel like to go back to That Room.
You were very brave, and I'm so glad you have such a wonderful husband to help comfort you!

Memmott Family said...

Natalie
You are such a special person and March will come fast:) We will keep you in our prayers.

Michael and Marisa said...

Natalie- I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I cannot claim to understand it. I do know, that when we feel at our worst, you can be comforted through prayer. I spenT one unbearable night alone, in a hospital believing Michael would die. I prayed like I have never prayed before. And I felt an amazing comfort that was with me all through the night.I knew that he would be OK. Life would go on. I hope and pray that you will experience this comfort and KNOW that you will be blessed with a child.

I have been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you, the family you long for. I know, one day, it will happen. I know timing isn't always what you want it to be. (I had a complete different timing problem with our first baby that I hated too). But, we made it through. I know you and Rob will too.
Some day, it will happen.

I can't wait to meet up with you in Dec! take care!
love,
Marisa

Michael and Marisa said...

I shouldn't say hated, but difficult timing? I can't find the best word, but you know what I mean, I hope. :)

Debra and Ryan said...

Natalie, Your mom told me about your blog. I have spent the last hour reading about your journey. You never cease to amaze me. You have the strongest spirit. I know that this blog has helped more people than you could imagine. I never realized that you are such a talented writer. Your words are beautiful! I am so gald that I found this. I am always thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. Now I can check up on you all the time. Thanks for your example of faith. Love you, Debra

Gordon and Jackie said...

My dearest Natalie and Rob...I think so often of the room....and I can't even begin to imagine what you went through this week having to go through what you did in that room again. Some things are just harder than they should be and so hard to get through. As I think of that room and that day my heart breaks every time I do and I can't stand it and then I think of how brave and good you have been and I want to just take it away or wish I could go through it for you so you wouldn't have to hurt, but that's the hard part for me I guess is that I can't take it from you or go through it for you. So I guess that as we all go through this journey to heal together we will heal together from the inside out and be so much stronger and better. Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings it really does help. My Love, Mom