One of my greatest fears is that Branson doesn't know how much I love him. Most mothers get a life time to show their children how much they love them through physical acts, and tell them through verbal words everyday. I never got that chance.
However, I know that the love I feel for Branson is just as real and just as intense as it would be if he were still here with me today. So I've often wondered..."Does he know and feel of that love?"
This intense love for Branson started to develop the instant we discovered he would be joining our family. It continued to grow as we prepared for his arrival, felt the reality of his existence in fetal movements, and as we dreamed of all the things we would do with him. That love was magnified the instant we met our son and felt of his pure spirit. I have truly never felt a love so complete and all consuming.
I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep as I yearn to tell my little boy of that love. In every simple physical act, I find myself wanting Branson here to do those very things for him. One day I was loading a batch of laundry, and I found myself bent over the washer sobbing, not wanting to go on. I kept thinking how unfair it was that I was still having to do the monotonose little things without him here. It may sound trivial, but even laundry was something I pictured myself doing with Branson at my side. He should've been there at my hip, making things a little more difficult as I tried to pick up clothing with only one free arm. I shouldn't be able to do a whole days worth of laundry without having to stop for a feeding, or to change a diaper. I had even pictured myself having to put him on the dryer as it might be just the thing to lull him to sleep.
As I stood there, the weight of not knowing for sure if he knew of my love, was almost more than I could bear. I gathered myself up and began to walk towards the family room. As I did so I passed this picture in the hallway. I stopped and just stared at the beautiful depiction of the Savior holding my little boy. I leaned against the wall and just stood there for quite some time. As I did so, the spirit did some talking.
First, it said, "The Savior feels the same way". I came to the realization that this must be similar to how the Savior felt as we left his presence for our mortal experience. I'm sure he wondered then, and I know he often wonders now..."Do they know of my love for them?" I strongly felt that perhaps at that very instant the Savior was wondering the same thing about me. Does Natalie remember how much I love her? Even though she's doing some very hard things, does she feel it? In the hardest moments does she know it? I felt very impressed that the Savior and my Heavenly Father wanted me to know that their love for me is just as real and intense as the love I feel for my son.
I was then assured that Branson knows of my love for him. Although I've never spent time with the Savior during my mortal journey... I know he loves me, and in a similar fashion I know Branson feels of my love for him. I'm not sure how it works, but I know our spirits can remember that love from the time we spent together previously. I don't know how to explain it to others in a way to help people understand, but the day that we met our son, my spirit recognized his spirit. It was almost as if my spirit rejoiced in the long awaited reunion. Now, I just endure a form of "homesickness" to feel it again!
I pray that I might always remember the things I learned that day. I plead with Heavenly Father to let my son know of the love I feel for him, and how much I miss him. I like to think that once in a while he lets Branson listen in on those prayers!
I thank all my sweet brothers for giving us this picture that beautifully depicts where our little guy is until we meet again. Thanks guys...it means the world to us!