Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I Know Enough

Today I am grateful for what I know. There are certainly many things I don't know and don't understand. However, the things I do know are the things that get me through each moment, each day.
Last night we read a talk in the Ensign from the most recent General Conference. It is entitled, "You Know Enough". As Rob and I read this talk together, the spirit testified of the truth that Elder Andersen shared. I felt that what he said was just for me...isn't it amazing how conference talks have that affect? One part of his talk has been on my mind all day:
"...we each have moments of spiritual power, moments of inspiration and revelation. We must sink them deep into the chambers of our souls. As we do, we prepare our spiritual home storage for moments of personal difficulty."
After reading this I remembered something my dad said to me shortly after having Branson. What he said to me made sense that night, but last night after reading this article it seemed to come full circle for me.
My dad and I were talking about timing. I was very frusterated and angry about not understanding the Lord's timing of things. After all, we had "patiently" waited for six years to have Branson, only to have him taken from our arms. Where was the justice in that? I wondered, "If this experience was meant to be ours, then why not a year after trying to get pregnant? Why six?" In a fit of rage and confusion I wanted answers, I wanted an explanation...I wanted what I couldn't have.
In the wisdom that my father has, he listened to me without judgment. He didn't try to stop me, or tell me I shouldn't think that way...he just listened. When I was finished, he told me that my questions were real and justified, he told me he understood...and then he asked if he could share his point of view on a few things.
He asked me to think over the last six years...all the good times, the bad times, the moments of spirital growth, church callings, and opportunities to share my testimony. At that moment, my mind was flooded with countless opportunities I've had to tesitfy of the very things that were the glue holding me together at that moment. I can't count or even remeber how often I was able to bear testimony to my young women of eternal families, and the reality of the knowledge that I am a daughter of God with a divine nature and destiny. As a Sunday school teacher, I was able to teach about the atonement and resurection that will someday enable me to be reunited with my son. I have had powerful moments of spiritual confirmation that the Lord is aware of my life, and that he loves me. That night I was blessed to "see" that those six years were a time of prepartion...a time that I was able to compile a "spiritual home storage" for my moments of personal difficulty.
My dad proposed that perhaps if it had been one year instead of six, I wouldn't be spiritually prepared to face the winds of adversity that are now raging against the very foundation on which I stand.
So, tonight I am grateful for what I know. Grateful that what I know if getting me through. Grateful for those moments of spiritual power, inspiration and revelation that built up my spirital home storage. Grateful that the Lord, in his mercy, gave me the gift of six years. Grateful that he presented opportunities for me to learn and come to know enough. I pray I've done enough, learned enough, and "stored" enough to see me through the dificult days ahead.
I don't know where I'd be, or how I'd get through this whithout the things I know. I look forward to learning the things I don't know
"...At times, the Lord's answer will be, "You don't know everything, but you know enough"- enough to keep the commandments and to do what is right."
I am positvie I don't know everything. However, I am confident I know enough to get me through tonight.

6 comments:

Jed & Kimberly Anderson said...

Hey Natalie,
Thanks for sharing this "soup" I needed to hear and understand the truths that you wrote about in this section myself. I have also been frustrated and bitter at the timing of the Lord and the way things transpired in what seemed to me in such an unfair way. I now have a greater appreciation for what the Lord was giving you in those six years and what you have gained as a blessing to help you get through. I will use this new perspective to set free some of the frustrations I personally feel about the loss of my nephew.

Thanks, Love Jed

singingrae said...

Hi there, Natalie. Thank you so much for the bread you brought today. It is delicious! Nothing like homemade bread, especially on a snowy evening.
Just want to say that, although I'm new to the ward, I love and admire you for all you've been through and the genuine goodness with which you face this trial.
This may sound strange but I'd love to be your friend. I think you are incredibly talented, kind, strong, and lovely. I say I'd "like to be" only because I know it might be hard because of McKay. I know he and Branson would have been friends and that they probably were friends before they were born. I know they are close in age and that could be tough. However, please know that if you would ever like to get together, I'd love it.
Hang in there, dear Natalie. You are a woman of faith and I know that the Lord loves you, as does this ward. :)
-Rachel

TheShafferfunbunch said...

Hi,
We don't know each other, I got to your blog from a blog and so so on. I lost my little boy Ashton @ 6 months along on Fathers Day 8 years ago. Some days it seems just like yesterday. 2 years ago in church the kids were all up singing for father's day...as I sat there I just let the tears fall. Fathers Day of all days. I do have 2 boys so the day is always bittersweet. My first son was born in 1993 his name is Dallas. then when he was 10 months old me, my husband, my son, 2 brothers and 1 sister were in a roll over accident and my husband partially severed his spinal cord. We were told we would never have any more kids. After 6 years of trying we were blessed with a miracle...Brayden Then to our surprise I out of the blue got pregnant when he was a year old. We were so excited. On the day before Fathers Day I had an appointment before we headed out to go camping. We heard his little heartbeat and were given a clean bill of health. While we were camping I started having complications and by the time we got down the mountain and to the hospital my little man was gone. The days that followed are still a blur but I too still remember those few hours in the hospital. My little man was just a tiny little guy but had the cutest little nose and ears. I remember thinking his fingernails and toes were the cutest thing ever. I didn't have the chance to get pictures with him but I did get 3-d castings of his hand and foot. They are a most precious gift. My boy's love to look at them and marvel how small he was. One thing I want you to know about your blankets. I still have mine from 8 years ago and I can still smell him when I take them out. I hold them close and it warms my heart to this day. I too am so thankful for the knowledge of a forever family. I don't know how I would have gotten by without my Saviors love and guidence. I to during a blessing from my husband the day after we came home was told that this was the plan. But he is ok and he will be taken care of until I can return to him one day. I still love to talk of him. So will you...your pictures are beautiful...cherish them..I know you will. Oh..and Congratulations from one Mother to another..Raelyn (raelynwshaffer@hotmail.com)

The Hammonds said...

Nat,
You are so right with "knowing enough" Its amazing how our Father knows when to give us the answers, when to teach us and when to just let us learn on our own. I know that it is very hard but you are right with what you Dad said to you. If it were not for you so many people might loose faith at times. But to see you keeping your faith and your insight on things is truely a ispiration. I will be the first to say that when Robert told me about what happened to baby Branson I completely broke down. Here we had so many plans with our little guys being only days apart and with the broken leg and all the other complications I had over the final months of my pregnancy I was so frustrated and angry. But you reminded me that God has a ultimate plan and reason for it all.
You are a amazing friend and person Nat. One that I am truely going to miss when your days in Kentucky are done.
Brandy

Emily and Jens said...

Natalie, your insight and wisdom amaze me when I read through your posts. You bring so much comfort and understanding to so many when you should be the one being comforted. Love you...EMILY

Michelle said...

Oh my goodness, Natalie, I think I read that talk on the exact same night! It also affected me powerfully. Elder Andersen's words were so comforting to me. The scripture he quoted from Nephi "I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things" is one that my sister pointed out to me soon after losing Benjamin. If we can just hold on to that truth, that Heavenly Father truly loves us, that we can make it through these horribly un-understandable events. Thank you for sharing the wisdom you learned from your dad and through the Spirit. I look up to you so much and am so grateful to have become your friend! :)
{hugs},
Michelle