Mommy Marks

Perhaps the greatest "physical" trial I've ever been through happened shortly after Branson's birth.

As many mothers know, the effects of pregnancy and child birth on a woman's body can be harsh, painful, and not pretty! I had been told over and over by several women to prepare myself mentally for the pain associated with breast feeding, the months of still feeling and looking a little pregnant, and they also warned me that I would need to learn how to accept my "new" body, as it would never be the same again after giving birth to a child. I was even given a special cream that I applied every day to prevent stretch marks.

Branson was scheduled to come by way of a C-section due to a large uterine fibroid that was obstructing the birth canal. My doctor and other mothers who had given birth this way also tried to prepare me and educate me about the lengthy, and somewhat painful recovery process of having such major surgery.

I knew these women and my doctor were right. However, the physical hurdles I knew I would face seemed a small price to pay so I could become a mother and have Branson here with me. After all, I'd prayed for this blessing for over 5 years...I didn't feel like complaining much about the physical side affects that came as part of my answer...my miracle!

As the heartbreaking news came that Branson's heart had stopped beating, it's almost as if my body automatically went into survival mode. All I could think about was that I would only have my son here with me for a few hours, and I wanted those few hours to be special...memorable. I wanted to capture and burn an image of every moment and every little one of his features in my mind forever. The rest didn't matter.

The morning of his birth seemed so unreal. As they prepped me for surgery, I just laid there with tears streaming down my face. No nerves about the surgery itself, just anxious feelings about meeting our son in a very different way than we had dreamed. As the anesthesiologist came in, and I hunched up in a ball for my spinal block, I wasn't even scared (previous to this point, it was the thing I was most worried about for Branson's delivery). My C-section went well and I shortly found myself in the recovery room with the two most important men in my life...Rob and Branson.

That day was the best day of our lives thus far.

In the days following Branson's birth, I just lied in the hospital...mostly consumed by shock and unbelief. My mind in a state of fog, life passing by in blurry, slow-motion. I let the nurses and Rob take care of me physically, as I just tried to survive emotionally.

It wasn't until I arrived home that I fully began to realize that although my heart and mind knew that Branson was gone, my body did not. The day I came home from the hospital my milk began to come in. My breasts became rock hard with milk, as that is what they're supposed to do. I sat in pain, with my breasts covered in cabbage leaves (a remedy to help dry up the milk), and just sobbed that there was no Branson there to feed, to make the pain seem fair. There I sat in the recliner, unable to go anywhere, or do anything on my own. I reeked of cabbage, and I had to completely rely on my husband and mother-in-law for everything. They brought me food, they transported me to the bathroom, they helped me shower, and dressed me. All I could ask was, "where is the justice in this?"

I remember the first time I got out of the shower and looked at my body in the mirror...again, the tears just flowed. I looked like I had been through Hell and back, and emotionally speaking I had, but now I looked the part too. I remember looking and feeling about four months pregnant still. This made me very apprehensive to leave the house. I knew the "are you pregnant" question from strangers would be inevitable, for that's what I looked like...pregnant. I had a nice little pouch, with no baby by my side to suggest that, no I wasn't pregnant, I had in fact just given birth to a beautiful little boy.

I'll never forget the first person who asked me if I was pregnant after Branson's birth. I wanted to drop kick them and let them have an ear full...instead I just smiled and said that I had actually recently given birth to a little boy who was spending some time at home...for isn't that where he truly is...home?

I felt so angry...cheated, that I still had to deal with the physical pains, the healing, and the unfamiliar...not pregnant, but not normal, body. It just seemed like someone should have taken that all away, it wasn't fair that I still had to go through all of it without a baby to remind me that it was worth it. It just wasn't fair.

Slowly, I began to heal...my milk dried up and went away...and my body began to shrink just a little (still working on that one :). I still struggle to accept my body the way it is, yet I find myself not wanting to "let go" of the pouch completely because it's physical proof that Branson was here. Despite the prevention cream, I also acquired some pretty intense stretch marks the last three weeks of my pregnancy...carrying an eight pound baby and a fibroid the size of a small basketball can stretch you to limits never before imagined!

Anyway, the other night Rob and I were lying in bed just chatting and the biggest smile came across Rob's face. I said, "What? What are you smiling about?"

And, he said, "You are just perfect for me in every way."

Sorta jokingly I responded, "I am? Even with my little pouch and the stretch marks that adorn it?"

He said, "Are you kidding? That's the best part! Those aren't stretch marks...they're mommy marks! They remind me everyday of the awesome mother you are, and all that you sacrificed to bring Branson into the world. They are a visual reminder that I am the father of an incredible little boy, and the luckiest man in the world!"

So today, I am grateful for my "mommy marks". Grateful that they came. Grateful for my darling little boy who has left an everlasting mark not only on my body, but on my heart. Grateful that I have an adorable husband who loves me, every part, for who I am. Grateful that together, the three of us, make one cute little family!