Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Tears

I have commented many times before that I only wish that with the shedding of my tears, came the shedding of calories...for then I would truly be a fat burning machine!

I am not sure what has sparked the tears as of late. The last few days, especially the nights, have been extremely hard...lonely. Just last night I found myself tossing and turning in bed, unable to
shut my mind down enough for me to sleep...asking questions, replaying my whole pregnancy, wanting to go back to the day we met Branson, wondering how I got here, wishing I could hold my little guy again, fearing I'll never be an earthly mother, and praying that I'll have the strength to make it through the night.

Finally at 3:00 a.m. with no sleep and a restless mind I decided to go into Branson's nursery and try to sleep in the recliner. However, still unable to slow my mind enough to sleep I just lied there in the darkness going round and round the grief cycle...angry that he's gone, thankful that he's mine forever, feeling at peace because of what I know, wondering why me, asking what if, feeling guilty for asking what if and why me, feeling proud to be his mommy, and then it starts all over again.

I haven't yet figured out why some days...some weeks are easier than others, or why some nights I fall asleep with peace in my heart knowing that Branson is okay and that someday I will be too...and other nights I lie in bed, soaking my pillow with tears of longing to be with him right now.

As I continue on this unfamiliar path of grief, I get to the point where the path ahead looks familiar...predictable, and then all of the sudden there is an unexpected turn in the road and I'm faced with a new hill to climb. This last week has been one of those unexpected hills.

As I've pondered what might have brought about this turn in my path, I have decided that it's the "life's just not fair" feelings that have come about because of some situations I've encountered over the last few days. Now I'm having to climb the hill in front of me...and I'll be the first to admit that the "unfair" hill is not an easy one to scale.

I am currently subbing at the local schools in our area. The last three days I have been at one of the high schools. Each time I'm there I see yet another young women...a little girl...preparing to become a mother. I see these girls rubbing their pregnant bellies, bragging to their friends, showing off ultrasound pictures, and scribbling their favorite baby names on a notebook during class. As I pass them in the hallway and teach them during class, I can't help but feel cheated, angry, and full of questions. One part of me feels compassion for the delicate situations they are in, another part feels jealous that these girls have what I want so bad, another part is screaming that life isn't fair, another part wants to take them by the shoulders and tell them that they're so young...so naive, and another part of me wants to explain what a beautiful gift of love they could give a couple like Rob and I through the choice of adoption.

I've had the nerve a couple of times to ask some of them if they've considered putting up their babies for adoption, and the reply is always the same "no, I'm keeping the baby". I explain that my husband and I would love to adopt a baby, so that is why I was asking. This seems to make them feel like they should tell me about every girl at school that is pregnant and keeping their baby...and today I found out six sophomores...yes sophomores, are pregnant.

After a sleepless night thinking about all of this over and over, and then another day full of it all again...I came home today and emotionally crashed. My heart felt so fragile, and my soul full of sorrow. As I unlocked the door, I fell to my knees under the weight of the "unfair" thoughts I'd carried with me all day, and the tears began to fall..tears, prayers, tears, searching the scriptures for some kind of comfort, tears, and more tears.

After looking up many scriptures I found one that finally brought a little comfort and spoke peace to my heart. It's a scripture that we found to put in Branson's memorial video, but I haven't really thought about it a lot since then. Jeremiah 31:13
"...for I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them rejoice from their sorrow."

I felt a calm, warming assurance that one day...maybe not tomorrow, next week, or even next month...but some day through the atoning power of the Savior's sacrifice and the unconditional, perfect love of God our sorrow will turn to joy, and that we will truly rejoice for all we have gained through our mourning.

I have faith that "...God will wipe away all the tears from our eyes" (Rev. 7:17) Like the sparrow that falls, I believe that each tear of heartache shed is counted. I believe that that Savior recognizes each one and that some day those same tears will flow again...only that time they will flow because of joy.

For now I'll continue to climb the "unfair" hill.
Accepting that life's not fair is hard.

9 comments:

Amy said...

Oh Natalie! I'm so sorry. Thats so hard to be around all those young girls who shouldn't be pregnant in the first place. My sister is trying to adopt and I think of what an amazing mother she would be and how these young teenagers decide to keep their babies...it isn't fair, its not fair at all.
Last night was a horrible nights sleep for me too...I don't really know why...but I hope you know you are in our prayers. You are such an example to me and I'm so grateful for your friendship. Hang in there!

Love
Amy

Memmott Family said...

That isn't fair. We will keep you in our prayers, and thanks for sharing the scriptures
liz

Brittanie said...

You know, it was really hard for me to accept that life isn't fair too. It took a long time. I think I felt bad for thinking it wasn't fair, and I didn't have to feel bad because it IS unfair. It just sucks.

I had a great bishop in Rexburg before we moved here, and he lost his second son a few hours after birth. He told me once that I didn't have to hold on to the pain. He said that holding on to it won't make Cora any closer to me, and letting go won't make her further away. It was then that I realized that Christ's atonement COULD heal my heart. There will always be that mark there, but it doesn't bleed anymore. I hope you can get there too. Prayers for you.

(hugs)

The Perry Family said...

I have those nights too. I still go through times when I go through the stages of the grief cycle and sometimes it just feels so much better to just let it all out. I wish we could just see the future sometimes so we know what we have to look forward to. I guess we just have to have faith!

Candi & Skeet said...

Oh how awful! I can't even imagine being faced with those young pregnant girls every day. I would ask the same questions, and cry too. I think that your thoughts and feelings are totally justified. I guess it's all a part of the grieving process. It doesn't seem to be getting easier for me yet and I am going on 18 months. I have heard that the pain gets easier to bear... I am just waiting. My prayers are with you. Please email me if you ever need to talk or if you need anything. cprisbrey@yahoo.com

Love,
Candi

Kara said...

I pray that time will heal your heart and that the tears will lessen. I cannot imagine being surrounded by young girls who have been blessed with womenhood's greatest gift and yet they lack true appreciation and understanding for that gift. I look forward to the day that we can share pictures with each other of our little ones - after such struggles to get them. You are so strong and your Heavenly Father is aware of your strength and faith.

Ashley said...

Natalie, I'm sorry you have been feeling that way. I can relate. When I went to my 6 week apointment after I had Miles I almosst burst into tears when I saw a pregnant teen. I felt the same way you did. I still feel that way a lot. I am glad you shared that scripture too, you are teaching me that I can find comfort in the scriptures. Sometimes i just feel so spiritually and emotionally exhausted that I forget that the scriptures can give me peace. Thanks for sharing your feelings! I so wish we lived closer together!! Oh and thank you so so so so much for the things you sent me and my husband! i loved it all!! One of my good friends lost her baby 6 weeks after i did, and I think Iwant to make copies of all of it and give it to her. You are inspiring!!!

Jackie A. said...

Oh My Darling Natalie;
If you only knew how when you write things it's just what I've been thinking about and worrying about and crying about for you and for me. I think that grandmothers have more of this grief process in them than they even know, until they go through it. I grieve for Branson and the things we are all feeling about not having him here with us, and miss him so much, and feel his pressence and comfort around us too. Then, I grieve for you and for Rob so much and wish I were closer to you and that we could be together more on the good and the hard days. Then, I grieve for myself and dad and all that we feel and try to deal with. It's an amazing uphill climb like you said and I'm so thankful for your postings and that you have been blessed to write and express yourself. Thank you for the scriptures that you have shared too. I know that someday, somewhere, somehow we will all be healed through the atonement of Christ, but until that someday I'm thankful that we can help each other heal and be here for each other. Always know that I'm here for you with open arms, ears, hugs, kisses, and anything else you need. My Love Forever,
Branson's Grandma Jackie

Daisy said...

Hi Natalie,
I'm so sorry you have to feel that way. I know how hard it is. I have those moments too and the more I think life is not fair and tried to find answers to all my questions the more I felt the pain. I always asked for a priethood blessing whenever I felt that way and it helped a lot! I know Branson just like all other angel babies, is claimed for eternity through the Atonement Of Jesus Christ. Our separation with them is both temporary and brief in the eternal perspective. Know that you're in my prayers and if you need to talk you can email me daisyfisher57@gmail.com.
love,
Daisy