How Can I Help

I have recently been blessed to come across a network of mother's who also have angel babies. It has been truly touching to learn more about each one. I am amazed at the beautiful impact that each little angel has had on so many lives. Like my sweet Branson, each one has left their mark on this life, and their print on so many souls. Thank you to each one of their mother's for sharing their stories, feelings, pictures, and perspectives with me. I am blessed to rub shoulders with such an inspiring crowd!

On the side bar of one blog I read this week, I found this list...a list of things that people can do to show support, love, and concern for people who are bereaved. I've asked Michelle if I could use some of the ideas on her list, combine them with some of my own thoughts, and share them with others.

As I have reflected often on life before Branson, I am humbled by the things I didn't understand about loss. I had no idea how incredibly life changing it is for a family when they loose someone they love. A loss is a loss regardless of the persons age, well being, or status in this life. I was often the person that said or did nothing because I wasn't sure what to do or say. I had never experienced grief in a personal way, so to speak to someone traveling through the journey of grief was like speaking a foreign language. I have offered many prayers since then that I might be forgiven for the pain I know I must have caused others in their moments of grief because I failed to act in love on their behalf.

I guess that is one of the things I've gained through this journey...perspective...perspective on grief, loss, and love. I, like Michelle, pray that this list of suggestions might help others who have loved ones traveling this difficult road.

Unfortunately, grief doesn't come with a user's guide, or an instruction manual. So this is just a few things from the view I see when I look at my path through this journey and the perspective it provides. I am sure there are many more things that could be added to the list, and some that others may feel shouldn't be on there...take away what you think can help you and the person you love that is bereaved.

When Someone you Love is Bereaved

(Sorry, some of the fonts have gone a little crazy)

1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it's uncomfortable at first, it will become easier. My favorite thing to do is to tell others about Branson, and I love it when people ask...what he looked like, what my favorite moment we shared with him was, or my favorite feature about him. Not so much the heartache that surrounds his death, but the joy that abounds in his life!

2. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like you want to know. This one is especially true for me. Some people ask not wanting to know the truth and when you give it to them, they don't know what to do with it.

3. Don't ever put a time line on someones grief. It is different for everyone, and loosing someone isn't something you "get over".

4. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards. We appreciated every single card that we received after loosing Branson. I have kept each one. I pull them out often and read the messages of love sent to us in our time of sorrow. I especially appreciate the ones sent months later from people who wanted to let us know that they were still thinking of us and our little guy.

5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm So sorry you have to go through this." One of the hardest things for me continues to be those who act as if nothing ever happened. Not that I want people to wallow around in my grief, but people who have never said one word about Branson, not even "sorry", make me feel like they believe that Branson wasn't real, that he isn't part of our family, and that our loss was simple, insignificant, and something that we just need to "get over". I know that they are probably the ones who just don't know what to say, but it's hard to accept.

6. If the person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to. I have found that verbalizing my thoughts, even if there is no response from the person listening, helps me process through it better and come to a conclusion or answer on my own. I appreciate those who just listen without judgement.

7. Don't assume they are ever "better." They never become completely whole and the loss will be a part of them for the rest of their lives. I have decided that the piece of my heart that left that day with Branson will always be gone...I just have to figure out how to live a new "normal" without it.

8. Don't underestimate how frazzled, absent minded, and spacey grief can make someone.

9. Accept the fact that you can not "fix" this for them. What you can do is love them.

10. Saying things like, "They are in a better place" can be confusing. While it may be true that Heaven is a beautiful place, it makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good enough.

11. Do not, I stress Do not get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone or return your calls. Don't assume that they don't appreciate your effort. It's just that someone bereaved doesn't want to put on a "happy voice" when they are having a hard day, but they don't want to burden everyone with their grief either.

12. If you didn't know the person who has passed at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through the stories of those who loved them. Most people never got to hold or see my little guy...only 10 in fact...yet he was here, he was so real, and he marks our life forever. There may be people who pass on in the lives of our loved ones and friends that we never knew...that doesn't make them less important or unreal.

13. Validate.Validate.Validate. Please whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones loss to someone else's "harder loss". Every loss is hard. Comparing makes the person feel like they shouldn't struggle because it could be worse.

14. The comment "but aren't you grateful you know you'll see them again" isn't a fix it all. It is true, but it doesn't take the pain out of not having them now. Just because the bereaved may continue to cry and have hard days doesn't mean they don't have a testimony of the plan of salvation, or that they have given up hope...it means that they are normal and they miss their loved one more than words can express.

15. Most of all, make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on.

Remember that this may be the first time the bereaved has gone through something like this. Be patient, loving, and nonjudgmental of their emotions, thoughts and feelings.

I pray that I too can be a little more sensitive, a little more aware of those around who are bereaved. Thank you to all our family, friends, and loved ones who have been so supportive, patient, loving, and sensitive to our loss.

A link to Michelle's Blog
http://krainichfamily.blogspot.com/