Understanding

"And He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions of every kind...and he will take upon him their sicknesses...their infirmities...that he may know according the the flesh how to succor his people..." Alma 7:11-12 (page 225 of the Book of Mormon)

I have always been taught by my parents, leaders, and scriptures such as this that Christ's atonement is powerful enough to not only pay the price for sin, but mighty enough to heal every pain and sickness we experience...emotional, physical, mental, or spiritual. Yet, in the days, weeks, and months after Branson's death I found myself asking, "If I have to feel this heartache and pain so intensely, why too did Christ have to feel it?" I just couldn't bare the thought of both of us going through such darkness, loneliness, and pain.

I wanted the atonement to "fix" things immediately, to take it all away...and it wasn't. So, as I've done with so many other principles lately, I began to read, to search, and to find out for myself the answer to my questions. In so doing, my relationship and perception of the Savior has changed…and my life has changed because of it. Until six months ago I felt that I knew the Savior and appreciated his sacrifice on my behalf…little did I know that my knowledge of him, and my love for him was incomplete and lacking in so many ways.

I certainly haven’t been perfect in life, and I've tried my best to use the atonement to make up where I've fallen short. However as I felt the most intense heartache and pain of my life, I wondered if it was really true that Jesus took some of this pain for me as he suffered in Gethsemane and eventually died for me on the cross. If he had suffered this already “for” me, then why did I too have to feel the heart-wrenching grief that seemed to be consuming my life?

One night this question was weighing particularly heavy upon my mind. As Rob and I laid in bed, I posed this exact question to him…his reply is what has changed me the most. He said, “Nat, think about it. It’s all about perspective. There are so many people in our ward, our neighborhoods, our families that don’t have a proper perspective on our trial. They’ve never experienced anything like this before. Therefore, try hard as they may to “fix” this for us, they just don’t know what to do or say that will completely heal us. Even people who have gone through a similar trial can’t perfectly help us carry this pain, or heal our hearts. Although they understand in a very real way some of what lies ahead in our journey, even their grief and healing process is different from ours. Grieving is so personal and unique. However, there is one person that has a PERFECT perspective on this trial because he has walked every mile of OUR situation, and that is the Savior.”

I began to mull that over in my head that night, the next day, and every day since and these are the things I’ve come to appreciate about the atonement.

Christ knows perfectly how to heal us because he felt every piece of this cross that we would be asked to carry. He knows what I will personally need that even Rob might not because the atonement is that personal…that real.

He knows how to answer my prayers in my moments of grief because he has a perfect perspective on what I need and how that need can be met. There have been very specific ways in which I have seen this happen in the past few months. He has sent the right people when I’ve needed them, I have opened the right book to answer a question I’m pondering, I have been touched by the spirit to act on promptings he’s sent. Because of these and many more, through the atonement, he has begun to heal me.

The atonement provided him a perfect perspective on every emotion, thought, and feeling that I have because he’s felt them too. He doesn’t judge me because I have moments full of anger, he doesn’t think less of me because I question things I shouldn’t question, and he doesn’t make me feel guilty for being me. He’s continually patient and lovingly waits for me to “see” what he’s put before me to partake of.

Because of the knowledge that God has, and the love that he feels for me, he won't take this trial away from me...even though he could. Instead, he sent his son thousands of years before me to experience my personal pain so that I might have a friend, a Savior who could truly understand it, help me through it, and then through mercy make up where I fall short.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks helped me understand more when he said:
"Healing blessings come in many ways, each is suited to our individual needs. Sometimes a "healing" cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are "healed" by being given strength, understanding, or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us."

And it hit me... Christ didn’t suffer in Gethsemane to take away my pain…he suffered so he’d understand my pain and understand how to heal me in a very real, personal way.

I'm sure in future years I'll look back and be able to see just how much Christ has truly carried me and so much my burdens as I've walked this journey. I hope too that someday I may be able to fully comprehend and appreciate all that the atonement has done for me. I am grateful that Christ doesn't walk in front of me impatiently waiting for me to "catch up", that he doesn't walk behind me watching me step into the darkness ahead alone, but that he walks beside me...teaching me, leading me by the hand, and lighting my way.

I have never been more grateful for Christ’s sacrifice of life on the cross so that he could be resurrected. I now see that it is through this that I will be able to be reunited with Branson and spend eternity with him as a family. I am thankful for the blessings and power of the temple covenants that make this possible for me, and I am eternally grateful that Christ has made it certain, through his atonement, that Branson will be there waiting if I can but make it back.