Friday, December 19, 2008

In Everything I Do

My dear Branson, as I go throughout the days, I can't help but be amazed that everything I do, everything I see, everyone I talk to...in everything...I think of you, feel you, and see you. From small, seemingly insignificant things to the big, monumental things of everyday life...every where I turn, there you are!
I can't help but see you in our home. The cradle in our bedroom, the swing in the family room, our new, beautiful family pictures, your bath robe hanging behind the bathroom door. 
I can't help but feel of your pure, sweet spirit as I walk past your nursery and stop to take a peek. Or as I enter there to read or just sit in the rocker to sooth my aching heart.
I see you in the beautiful flowers daddy planted for you this spring. The flowers that were meant to make our home perfect for you to come home to.
In the stretch marks that beautifully mark your life upon me forever.
I think of you every time I see an infant. Every time I hear a baby giggle, cry, or coo...a giggle, cry, and coo I never heard from you.
I wonder what your up to every time I find myself bored. I think to myself, "I bet Branson's not bored...what would he have me do?"
I see you in your daddy's eyes, and your grandpa's hair. 
I can't help but yearn for you as my heart pulls when I see other new moms cuddling their little ones. 
I miss you at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
I can't help but compare every other baby to you, and think that they're just not quite as perfect handsome, or cute as you. 
I feel you in the missing piece of my soul and the expansion of my heart. 
I can't help but miss you as I feel Christmas creeping closer. As I see a stocking hung, and presents wrapped. As I hear Santa's "ho, ho, ho" and as daddy reads our favorite Christmas stories to only me. As I anticipate my first Christmas without you, and every other "first" this year. 
I see you in our Christmas village, and your special nativity from Dustin and Kim.
I feel you as daddy and I cuddle each morning and wonder what our next hug with you will be like. 
I see your light in the lives you've touched, and feel you in the hearts you've softened. 
I can't help but see you as I look at your cute little cousins and see you in them.
I miss you every time I wake up and realize I had another full nights sleep...another night without a crying baby.
I feel you as I let my tears fall and my heart swell with loneliness and pain.
I miss you tremendously every time I walk into the garage and see your stroller standing there covered with a plastic bag, a bag to protect it from gathering dust.
I see you in the missionaries that serve in our ward, and I wonder who you've taught today.
I am grateful for you as I learn new things, and gain a new perspective on life. 
I think of you with every breath I take because I never got to see your lungs filled with air.
I think of you, see you, miss you, long for you...in everything I do!
You have changed my heart, my eyes, and my life forever. I will truly never be the same. I love you!

3 comments:

The Hammonds said...

Dear Nat,
I am so sorry you are hurting right now like this. Your baby boy was and is so beautiful. Like I have said befor he is so lucky to have you and I know that he has a heart filled of love for you.

Not that it may help but you just showed a amazing quality of a good mommy. You have him on your mind every minute. I find that true with both my boys.

Enjoy getting the stocking ready with all the things that Branson has influenced. Im sure he is looking down so excited about everyone of them.
Love
Brandy

p.s.
I never did send you the email about it so could you ad the "Hearts from Branson" to the list. Thanks!

Mariah said...

Nat, Tears are streaming down my face as I read your beautiful post. The other night when you mentioned that I was one of only 8 people that got to physically see Branson, I felt so honored that I was indeed able to not only see him but feel his immense spirit and presence in that room. I also was able to see and touch his beautiful little toes and feet. I think that is why I am so drawn to that picture you have of his feet. I can't help but stare at the Thank you card that you sent out each time I walk by it hanging on our bulletin board. His sweet spirit as well as his little body will always and forever be imprinted in my heart and mind and I know that without a shadow of doubt that as soon as I return home, he will be one of the first to welcome me back! My heart aches for your breaking one. I can only promise you that you are not alone in your mourning. You have an amazing family and husband and again I have to say that I am so honored and blessed to have you in my life! Our family was so blessed to be able to take part in the service of pure love to fill Branson's stocking. What an amazing lesson it was for not only my children, but Tim and I as well. We love you so much and are missing you while you are at home in Utah.

Gordon and Jackie said...

Dear Natalie;
Your postings are so perfect and so touching that it leaves me without anything to add except to thank you for putting down in writing the feelings that you have, and being willing to share them. We are so appreciative of the view that they have opened up to us and for the wonderful feelings of love that we are able to share in with you. You are an amazing and mighty Woman of God...May God Bless Your Way...now and every day. My Love, Mom