Thursday, March 19, 2009

My Precious Child

Today I have felt...well...lonely. I woke up this morning, and just felt that emptiness resurfacing again stronger than usual. I haven't been motivated to do much but lie around. I've tied to get up and clean, get ready for the day, or for that matter...just brush my teeth. However, when I try, I just find myself lying on the couch or my bed once again.

I finally decided to sit down and work on my blog...something I haven't had much motivation to do lately. Usually writing helps me process the emotion I'm feeling and it's healing for me to get it down in words. However, as I sat down to write, I found myself not wanting to face the loneliness, the emptiness. I didn't want to acknowledge the aching inside. I didn't want to muster up the courage to let it all out, because at times it feels better to keep it all in.

So, instead of going straight to my blog, I danced around other blogs. Reading about friends, family, and other angel babies. I then opened my friend Michelle's blog who also had this song playing. Instantly I started to sob.

This is a song I heard shortly after Branson's birth. It's a song that's part of his memorial video. It's a song that's special. It's a song that's painful. As I sat here today listening to this song, I was overcome with grief...with loss. I wanted my baby back in my arms so bad...wanted to see his beautiful face and touch his little toes.

Today this song captures my emotions...the pain, the hope, the longing, the remembering, the loneliness...the love.

"In my soul there is a hole that can never be filled.

In my heart you live on, always there...never gone.

Precious child, you left too soon.

Though it may be true that we're apart, you will live forever in my heart."


10 comments:

Courtney and Jason said...

I adore this song.

I am not sure what it is about today, but I am just so sad and overwhelmed with emotions.

*hugs*

Tyler and JoAnna Hamilton said...

I hope that you can find solitude and peace today.

love you

Amy said...

I'm so sorry Natalie! I listened to this song today too and felt it really spoke my feelings. Today has been kinda sad for me also. Please call if you need to talk.

Love ya!
Amy

Mariah said...

Such a beautiful song just like you and Branson. I think of you and your aching heart and empty arms more than you could ever imagine. Love ya!

Jackie A. said...

Dear Sis;
Well I've been emotional about everything to do with Branson this last few days too. Maybe it's the awakening of the Earth to Springtime and the rebirth after the long winter. Whatever it is...I feel his spirit close for some reason. Yesterday after work I went to his grave to just check on it and see how special it looks all decorated for Spring, and I felt a really special spirit there. I have had people that walk there tell me how darling it always looks. He has touched so many lives. Also I got a quote from a girl that talked at our Relief Society Birthday Party that I felt I wanted to share with you, she was talking about growth and creativity and becoming the best we can be...and she talked about tests and trials and at that time gave this quote which I thought was beautiful and so I'll end with it...maybe you can share it with others. It is by Hannah Whitehall Smith "God stirs up our comfortable nests, and pushes us over the edge of them, and we are forced to use our wings to save ourselves from fatal falling. Read your trials in this light, and see if your wings are being developed." May We All Use Our Wings To Fly the Path God Intended....My Love, Mom

Michelle said...

Dear, sweet Natalie--
I hope today has been a little better. I was happy to read that the song on my blog was meaningful to you yesterday. I had just barely added it to the playlist on Sunday, and it's set to start randomly, so that must have been one of those tender mercies for you! :)
It's so hard to wait for the promised blessings, isn't it? I can only imagine how hard it would be to not know of them at all--that is what brings me hope in life!
Love and {hugs},
Michelle

Lindsay said...

What a beautiful song. My heart aches for you. I needed to hear this today. Thank you for being such a great example and a wonderful mother.

Loretta Valenta said...

Natalie~ what a beautiful song that is. Please know that you and Rob are loved, thought of and prayed for more than you can know!What a wonderful example of faith and courage you both are.

Kim Call said...

What a wise woman your mother is. I love the quote she shared with you...its the "fatal falling" we are sometimes overwhelmed with and we don't see how high we are flying. You are soaring - I hope you can enjoy moments of ecstasy and joy. Love to you, my dear....mom Call

shelly said...

I hope that you feel peace today. I am so sorry that you have to go through such grief Your in my prayers.

Shelly