A Healing Journey

We Feel You With Us

2010-02-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Branson,
Hello my sweet boy! We miss you so much, and think of you often. It's crazy to think that it's been a year and half since we said our hello's and goodbyes. Although you aren't here with us, we see your influence manifest in our lives. There are numerous occasions when we've known with out doubt that you've been near...protecting, guiding, and loving each of us.

When daddy gave you your name and blessing in the hospital, he blessed you that your spirit would be able to perform the special mission you had been called to serve on the other side. We knew that it was important, and that you would be busy while we spent our time apart. I love to think of you as a missionary...obedient, stalwart, and full of love for the people you serve and teach.

Missionaries here on Earth have full-time companions, and I believe, part-time heavenly companions as well. You have two uncles...Christian and Ryan...who are both serving missions for the Lord right now as well, and both of them have written daddy and I letters recently sharing some special experiences they've had with you. Times when they've been sure that you are serving as their heavenly mission companion.

Their letters are as follow:

From Uncle Christian:
I just wanted to say a few words regarding Branson. It was and has been a special experience I wanted to share with you.
When I was called in the MTC the day that Branson left us, I was saddened. Not saddened for myself, but saddened for all of you back home, and what you all were going through. My heart ached as I tried to understand the situation, and the meaning to a lot of things.
That evening, I knelt in prayer, and cried and poured out my heart to our Father in Heaven. Such a peace that can only be best described as a father comforting his crying child came over me. I felt so peaceful as I climbed into bed.
As I lay there in bed, I rolled things over in my mind. I made sort of a mental promise, one that I have carried with me throughout my mission. The promise was that I would serve as hard as I could, and that I would serve my hardest to make up for the service that my little nephew wasn't able to perform here on earth. I made a connection that it would be two Calls out here serving, not just one.
I kept my CTR ring that you and Rob gave me as a reminder of this. For the first while in my mission, I would put it on as I would put on my badge every morning, just as a reminder.
Unfortunately, the ring was lost, but the memory carries on with me. I still like to think that there are two Calls out here serving, not just one.
So, for all of the service that I have performed out here, I guess you could say Branson has been the silver lining on it all. Although I haven't always remembered him in every second and every act of service, I still remember that evening in the MTC, and I feel very special. The service that I have done can be remembered as a reminder of him.
I just thought you would like to hear about this... it was special as I gained more of my testimony in the MTC of the plan of salvation. As I laid my head on my pillow that evening, and into the morning, I felt assured that families really are forever! This testimony has helped me in my mission, and continues to influence the way I view the Plan of salvation. It has helped me teach The plan of salvation with boldness and confidence, and with an assurity that it is in fact true.
I love you Both, Rob and Nat. You have been outstanding examples to me, and I'm sure to the family as well. Ha, I guess you can say that your strength has helped build our faith as well.
Have a wonderful Christmas!! Enjoy every minute of it, and most of all, remember our Savior, Jesus Christ, the one who has made this all possible to us. I am deeply grateful for the knowledge that this experience that we have had as a family has taught us the most precious truths that our family will be forever! Nothing comes sweeter to the taste, softer to the touch, than this thought.
I love you both... Thanks again for your wonderful examples. you truly are fulfilling the scripture: ''Let your light so shine before the world, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in Heaven''.

From Uncle Ryan:
I had a very special experience today. It's Sunday, and I haven't been feeling very well today, and was feeling a bit on the low side. At seven this evening, I went to the fireside which goes on every Sunday. Usually there is a speaker, but today was different. It was a song and testimony meeting. At first, I wasn't too excited about it because I can't really sing with all this nasal stuff going on.
As the meeting proceeded, many different songs were chosen by elders and sisters in the congregation. About half way through, one Elder stood and wanted to sing, "God be with you till we Meet Again." He told us of how he just found out that his best friend back home died this past week. My heart when tout to him.
As we began to sing the song, my thoughts turned to Branson. My little nephew whom I love very much. I thought of the great missionary work he must be doing for our Savior on the other side of the veil. In that moment, the most wonderful feeling of peace and comfort came to me. I knew that I was feeling the spirit, but also the love and presence of Branson. I know he was there with me, giving me comfort while I am on my mission. My emotions were very strong and I couldn't help but cry knowing that we will be able to meet again and be together forever as an eternal family. I was so happy.
Nat and Rob, I love you and your family so much. Thank you for allowing Branson to help me on my mission. He has taught me so much, and I love him very much.
I just wanted to share that wonderful experience with you. I Miss you guys very much. Know that my love and prayers are with you. thank you so much for your love, thoughts, examples, prayers,and most of all; your family. I love you.

Branson. Our hearts are full of joy, as we know that you get to serve, help, and guide your uncles as they serve the Lord as well. We are so proud that you are our little missionary! I'm sure we can't even begin to imagine the number of lives you've touched and hearts you've changed as you share the beautiful message that Christ is our Savior and that through him families can be forever!

God be with you till we meet again!
Love Mom

Rainbows

2010-01-03T17:01:00.000-08:00

Verily I say unto you, ye shall weep and lament, and ye shall be sorrowful, but your Sorrow shall be turned into Joy.
John 16: 20

I have always enjoyed hearing the story of Noah, his family, and the animals that were saved through obedience to God’s command to build a ship and live within it’s protection for the 40 days and nights of flooding rain. However, over the past year and a half I have come to wonder what a tremendous trial it must have been at times for them to endure such a storm. I can’t help but think that those 40 days must have seemed like years at times as they were tossed and thrown about the raging waters. Their hearts must have yearned for what they had lost…the comforts of their home, the brilliant light of the sun, close family and friends who had chosen not to heed the Lord’s command, and the freedom to walk about a land they must have loved. I’m sure there were days, or perhaps even weeks when they questioned the Lord and his plan…they must have asked “the why’s” and “what ifs”. There may have even been days they pleaded with the Lord to let the storm pass and moments when they begged him to restore the joy their hearts once new.

The storm Noah and his family passed through did end. Maybe not as quickly as they had hoped, and perhaps not in the manner they would have chosen, but it did pass.

My favorite part of this story has become the fact that the Lord was obviously mindful of the hardship of their storm. He was so aware that this mission he had asked them to endure was difficult, unpleasant, and trying that he gave them a beautiful gift…a promise. He sent them a sign…the symbol of the rainbow.

He promised them that they, nor any of their family, or posterity to come would ever have to pass through such a storm again. He created the rainbow as the symbol of that covenant…and still today we see evidence of that promise after each rain storm, no matter the severity of the rain.

He didn’t promise them that they’d never pass through anything hard again, or that they’d never be required to sacrifice again on his behalf, but he did covenant that they’d never encounter the flood again.

I now believe that the symbol of the rainbow was so significant and special to Noah and his family because it instilled an added amount of trust in the Lord. It must have given them a great amount of hope as they traveled through other “storms” throughout their lives…hope that at the end of the storm, there would be a “rainbow”.

Perhaps the reason this story is so special to me as of late, is because I can relate to Noah and his beautiful family. My storm started in July of 2008 and raged for many, many months. I tried to be obedient to what the Lord had commanded me, and find protection in him from the tossing sea. There were those days that it seemed the storm would never cease. My heart ached for the beautifully perfect son I had lost, and I often found myself on my knees pleading with the Lord to bring an end to the torment I found myself enduring. I wanted so badly to feel true joy again and to see the beauty clearly around me.

My storm hasn’t completely ended, but the rain has become more of a drizzle than an intense, tumultuous down pour.

However, the Lord has sent me a rainbow…a sign that he is personally aware of my struggles, heartache, and sorrow. A symbol of his love and goodness. My rainbow came in the form of a sweet, healthy, happy baby girl named Brooklyn.

I too know that this rainbow doesn’t mean I’ll never be required to pass through other storms along my journey, but like Noah, it has increased my trust in the Lord’s plan for me and filled my heart with hope…hope that when I encounter another storm and feel it raging around me, that in time...the Lord’s time, there will be a rainbow at the end.

The rainbow might not always come as fast as I desire, or in the manner I would choose, but I pray that I may always have the faith, the trust, and the hope it will require to wait for it.

The Lord is good and I thank him for the rainbow he sent me this year.

We'd Love to Have You Join Us!

2009-12-03T12:49:00.001-08:00

Dear Family and Friends,

What a wonderful time of the year! The Christmas season is once again upon us and we find ourselves fully immersed in the festivities of the holidays. We hope that this letter finds each and everyone of you and your families happy, healthy, and enjoying the things that make this time of year so memorable.

Last year, many of you joined our family as we started a very special tradition, and we invite each of you and many more to join us once again!

Christmas of 2008 was our first Christmas without little Branson here to join us in our holiday celebrations. Rob and I wanted to start a tradition that would honor his memory and allow his sweet, pure spirit to be a part of this special time of year. We decided to buy a stocking, with his name embroidered on it...and fill it completely full...with love. How you might ask, with simple acts of love given to those around us through acts of service.

Together Rob and I really focused on having our eyes and our hearts open to people around us in need, and then perform a small act of service in Branson's memory for them. Each night we would write those small acts down on paper and put them in Branson's stocking. We also decided to invite our family and friends to join us in the effort of filling his stocking to the brim.

We were humbled and amazed as we received emails throughout the holiday season from people we've known for years, and even strangers we've never met. The acts of love ranged from giving a hug to someone having a hard day, a little boy letting his brother play with his favorite toy, to people donating money in Branson's name to a charity, or making goodies for a friend.

On Christmas eve we sat down together and pulled our each little strip of paper and read them, and then after the holidays were over I made a special Christmas Memories book where we scrap booked pages and pages with each little piece. Each time we look at the book we are filled with joy and peace. We were so honored that all of you would participate with us in such selfless ways! It was a Christmas to remember for sure!

So we invite you once again to join us as we begin to add those small acts of love to our little boy's stocking. We know that all of you do so many good things, especially during this season. What we ask, is that you choose one time specifically to perform an act of service for someone and do it with Branson in mind. Then, email me explaining what you did, your name, and location. Then I will print it and it to his stocking and eventually his memory book.
ncnataliecall@gmail.com

We hope that as you do this your heart will be filled with love and your holiday season will be brightened. We love each of you and appreciate your continued friendship, love, and support. Merry Christmas!

Love, Rob.Natalie.Branson.Brooklyn Call

Being Rescued

2009-09-27T19:11:00.000-07:00

Today in Sunday School our discussion was on the handcart pioneers that traveled from the East to Salt Lake City to join the saints already in the valley, and more specifically, the Martin and Willey Handcart Companies. Needless to say, I was moved and touched by the accounts of their journey that were shared. I was humbled by the unconditional faith that was shown during this difficult, and what seems to me overwhelming circumstances, and their unwavering commitment to follow the call of a prophet.

Many people lost their loved ones along the journey, and many of those were mothers who lost their little ones. Little ones that were buried in frozen, shallow graves. No stone to mark their resting spot.

Perhaps this is why I sat in tears today, because in a special way I can somewhat relate to those mothers and the heartache they felt at loosing their little ones. Perhaps I sat there in tears because although I can relate to the heartache, I can't imagine the circumstances they lost them and eventually buried them in. I can't imagine lying my baby in one of those shallow graves only to leave it behind hours later, knowing I would never see that place again, and even worse that wolves would most likely find, and dig through the ground to the little body that lie below.

Those lives that were spared were eventually rescued by saints from the Salt Lake Valley, who upon hearing of the perilous situation these saints faced as winter drew near, immediately left to offer food, clothing, and aid that was so desperately needed. They rescued these people by doing for them what they could not do on their own.

Perhaps I sat there in tears as I questioned why? Why is it that bad things happen to good people...good people following the Lord's command to make this journey? Good people who had done all in their power to do what was right. Good people who had already sacrificed physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Good people who had righteous desires.

Like these pioneers, there are good people around us that suffer sorrow, heartache, and pain. Good people who like these pioneers do all in their power to do what's asked of them, to follow the Lord's plan, and people who have righteous desires.

As I sat there, overcome with emotion in class, asking the spirit to teach me...the teacher posed just this question...

"Why does God allow good people to experience sorrow?"

I continued to contemplate this question in my mind and these are the thoughts that came....

There will undoubtedly come times in our lives when we will not be able to do something on our own...there will be trials that put us in the middle of our own "handcart" journey. There will come a time when we will need to be rescued...perhaps not physically like these pioneers were, but emotionally or spiritually speaking we will need to be rescued.

Like the saints that brought aid to these destitute pioneers, the Lord will send people to rescue us and provide things we can not provide for ourselves. As we allow others to offer aid, to teach us, to help us, and to love us... we begin to grow...we grow into someone and something more refined than before. We enter the "refiners fire", the fire that allows us to become more like the people God knows we can become.

But perhaps the most powerful reason God "allows" good people to experience hard things is because the only person who can truly and completely "rescue" us is the Savior...and having the opportunity to decide for ourselves if we'll let that rescue occur is vital part of our mortal journey.

Unfortunately, often times as humans, it takes these seemingly insurmountable trials to humble us enough to a point where we can see for ourselves that we need to be rescued...humble enough that we allow Him in to do the rescuing that can come only through His personal atonement.

I believe that God knows that each of us need to experience the atonement in a very real, personal way. Whether it's through the repenting and forsaking of sin, finding strength and comfort through loosing a loved one, finding the courage to fight the battle of cancer, or whatever our "handcart journey" maybe...we need to experience the Savior's atoning sacrifice.

We need to experience the beauty of his love, and the tenderness of his care. We need to experience the healing he provides and the peace he offers. We need to see the beauty that resides behind the cloud and the completeness of the plan he has for us.

So, I think that we're "allowed" to pass through the hard, to experience more...to become more.

Although I miss Branson more today than I did yesterday, I am thankful for the reason I have to be rescued. Healing from the loss of our son is something I can not do on my own. I don't have the strength, the power, or all the answers to even attempt to rescue myself. However, I'm learning that as Christ and I work together, healing can happen. I see more and more each day that it is through his atonement that my heart and soul can be rescued from the pain.

Love This

2009-07-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

Today while I was doing some studying, I came across this quote on grief...and I love it!

"First, please know that grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning. Hence, what a grieving parent can expect to receive from the Lord in response to earnest supplication may not necessarily be an elimination of grief so much as a sweet reassurance that, whatever his or her circumstances, one’s child is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father."
Lance B. Wickman

This describes perfectly why grief is such an important part of healing from the loss of a child. I have often wanted the Lord to take away the grief and the pain associated with it, however, after reading this and coming to a realization that the only way to avoid the grief that we have felt over the last 12 months would be to have never experienced the love...

I can't imagine my life now without the love I have for Branson...my little boy. I am amazed so often at the simple ways Heavenly Father reminds me that although the loss of our little one is heart-wrenching, painful, and hard to accept...that it was done, ultimately, out of love for us and Branson. I open my arms wide to welcome the grief, for with that grief comes the incredible, powerful love that only a mother can have for her child. I would never forgo the grief if it meant forgoing our experience with Branson.

So today, I'll pray for that "sweet assurance" to know that our child "is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father".

We Remember

2009-07-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

Today, we remember...remember the day we spent with Branson...remember the moments we shared, the emotions we felt...remember how it felt to hold him in our arms. Some of those moments are so fresh, it seems as if it was yesterday, and others have slowly started to fade. One thing is for sure...we love him more today than we did yesterday, and we have no doubt we'll love him more tomorrow than we do today.

There are no words to express how much we miss Branson. There's not a day that goes by that we don't think about him, and wonder what might have been...

We woke up this morning with heaviness in our hearts and an aching in our arms. We drove to a beautiful park nearby where we spent an hour walking and talking. We shed tears as we shared our favorite memories of that day, and smiled as we remembered how perfect and beautiful he was. There were moments that day that were full of sorrow, and others where we were consumed by peace. If I could relive it again...I would. But, because I can't, I just cherish what we had that day.

Our goal over the last year has been to celebrate what was, and not let ourselves get lost in what was not. At times, that's been extremely hard to do...and there have been days when I've let the "what if's" and "why me's" win. But, there have been many days and many moments when we've been able to start amazing traditions and celebrate his short life.

As his birthday approached, we again wanted it to be a day we could remember the heartache, sorrow, and lonliness we've felt...but a day we could celebrate the hope, joy, and anticipation we feel in knowing that we'll be with him again. We wanted to start a tradition we can carry on in future years with our other children.

So, on Sunday, we were in Richfield with many family members and friends...and we wanted all of them to be a part of his party. We planned to have a BBQ at my parents home and a balloon release at his graveside. It was hard to accept that this was it...no cake being destroyed by a little boy, or presents being torn open... However, it was beautiful for what it was.

Family BBQ

At the Graveside
Our dear friend Tyler put together this beautiful video of that day for us.
(Make sure your sound is on, and give it a few minutest to load. If you have problems loading, the video can also be seen on Branson's website www.bransonjackcall.com by clicking on the Happy Birthday Button at the top.))

Thank you Tyler for putting together such a touching tribute.

My little brother Ryan wrote the song that's playing in the background for Branson's funeral. It's called "Waiting"...amazing and perfect. He sang it at the graveside after we let the balloons go. Thanks Ry.

Thank you to all of our family and friends who were there, some of them drove long distances and it meant so much to have you there. Thank you for realizing and validating how real and special Branson is.

And last...Happy Birthday Branson...we love you more than you'll ever know.

Some Great Give Aways

2009-06-30T16:46:00.001-07:00

Having so many people...family, friends, and people we've never even met...reach out to our family in such a selfless way through our "Peace of Mind Fund" has been truly amazing. We stand in awe at the goodness of others, and we are truly humbled by the outpouring of love and support we have received. There are no words to express the love and gratitude we feel toward each one of you.

Being able to visit Dr. Collins in August would be a dream come true. A dream that would stay just that, a dream without all of you. Having the peace of mind that will come from knowing a specialist is monitoring the health and well-being of our baby girl will be truly priceless. We look forward to sharing this journey with each of you, through this blog, as we make the trip to Louisianna to visit Dr. Collins, and venture home with the monitoring system. We'll be sure to post lots of pictures and updates on our progress as we go along, as we now feel that each of you deserve to be part of that special journey.

As part of this amazing blog, people have recently donated some amazingly cute things that you can get in on. If you've already donated you can put your name in, and if you'd like to donate you can have the chance to win some of these things as well. Click on the button below to find out more about how it all works.

We'd like to send out a big thank you to all the talented people that have made something to donate on our behalf. You are amazing people with so much to share!

We want you to know that every night we pray that God's choicest blessings will be yours...we plead that each of you, in a personal...specific way, will be blessed for your generous contribution. We also pray that we'll be blessed with opportunities now...and in the future that will allow us to pay your kindness forward to others.

All our Love- Rob and Natalie Call

Overcoming Fear

2009-06-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

Emotions are a powerful thing aren't they? Each and every one real...raw. Experiencing the loss of a child has magnified every emotion. Some emotions I have welcomed with open arms, and others I have wanted to push away.

During the months since Branson's passing, I have spent a lot of time thinking about emotions. I have concluded that we experience them all...the good, the bad, the hard...for a reason, and I personally think that reason is so we can become more like Jesus Christ.

The mission we choose to accept by coming to this Earth was to learn, to grow, and to become more like Him and our Father in Heaven.

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in Heaven is perfect."
St. Matthew 5:48

This is our ultimate goal after all isn't it? To become perfect even as he is? For me, this process will take much longer than the time I will be given here on Earth. At times that charge seems daunting, impossible, and downright unachievable. The beautiful thing about our Father, is that he doesn't expect us to do it alone. He sent his son.

His son is our exemplar...the only human being to walk the Earth in utter perfection. His son is our truest friend...there for us every step of the way. His son is our mediator...our personal link to the father. His son is our Savior...it is only through him that this perfection can be reached. For, through his atonement, he has made up where we will assuredly fall short.

So, in time spent thinking about the Savior, I have learned a few things about emotion. First, he has felt and experienced every single emotion so he could perfectly understand us, but he also "overcame" them...mastered them to a perfect form...to continue in his perfection.

So, as I've struggled with such emotions as anger, doubt, disbelief, abandonment, loneliness, and emptiness I have tried to do a few things. First, let myself experience those emotions...for they are real. Bottling them up inside, or pretending they aren't there, would only deceive myself...but for how long?

Second, allow myself to "process" each emotion...why am I feeling that way?...what lead me to this emotion?...how do I function when I feel this way?...what purpose does this emotion serve for me right now?

Third, don't let myself get "stuck" there. Although I believe each emotion is a gift from God, they can also be a tool of Satan's. He wants me to get "stuck" in the negative, to dwell there.

Fourth, and perhaps the hardest step for me, is to let my faith and trust in God help me overcome the emotion...instead of letting the emotion overcome me.

These four things have helped me tremendously in the past. Yet, lately I am facing a new...but very strong emotion...fear. And, I am having a very difficult time not letting that emotion overcome me.

Fear in itself scares me...isn't that ironic? I am filled with fear that his baby girl won't be able to stay with us...that once again I'll be left with empty arms. I fear that I'll do something to harm her. I fear that her heart will stop beating. I fear that I'll never hear her scream, or see smile. But perhaps what I fear most is not knowing what God's will is for us and this little one.

This is the hardest emotion for me to move past...I feel like I'm getting stuck. Yet, I also feel myself wanting to pull away from it...but how?

I have been able to find examples in the scriptures where Christ felt many of these different emotions, but was there an example when Christ felt fear? As I thought about it, a scripture came to mind:

"And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."
St. Matthew 26:39

I believe that Christ knew that suffering for our sins and feeling every pain, emotion, and sickness we would be asked to bear was part of his purpose. Yet, as I thought about this scripture the other day, I wondered as that moment arrived in the Garden of Gethsemane if Christ might have felt a little fear...anxiety of not knowing the full extent of the suffering he was about to endure. Perhaps it was that fear that led Him to ask the Father to "let this cup pass from me".

So yes, I think Christ felt fear...he experienced it, he felt it's power.

Yet he refused to let that fear overcome him and his purpose...he overcame it with his faith and trust in His Father..."not as I will, but as thou wilt". He may have feared what lay before him, but he never doubted that His Father knew best. I believe that it was through this submission and show of faith that he overcame his fear.

It's strange, because I feel closer to my Father in Heaven than ever before...yet, I think that perhaps I still lack complete trust in his plan for me...that complete trust that the Savior obviously had. That's where I need to work...I need to use the knowledge that I have about God's perfect love, about his eternal purposes, and about my personal relationship with him to make that trust complete.

In the meantime, I'll find peace in the Savior's understanding and comfort through knowing he's there, and I'll enjoy the love, excitement, joy and hope that I feel when she's stirring inside.

"Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you..."
D&C 68:6

Another Earthly Angel

2009-06-07T11:42:00.001-07:00

As we've began the journey down a new road, a road that involves a new pregnancy, and a new life stirring inside, we've felt a range of emotion from elation, joy, hope, and anticipation to emotions of doubt, anxiety, and fear. Wanting and hoping so badly that this little spirit will be able to stay with us, we have spent time on our knees as we plead with our Heavenly Father that our will and his will be one.

We know that Branson died due to a cord accident, however, we also know that his death was no accident. We have found peace and hope in that knowledge.

Yet, as we wait for October to come, we can't just sit by and hope for something different. Doing nothing won't calm the worries, or put an end to our fears. We feel that it is after we "do" all that we can, that the Savior is able to take us in his hands and make up the difference....to create a miracle in the form of a kicking, screaming, healthy baby girl.

And so, we have read and researched...we have learned. In that learning we have come to know of a Dr. Collins in Louisiana who specializes in infant death due to cord accidents. His work is amazing and his mission important. He works to educate those in the medical profession about the reality of being able to prevent fatal cord accidents with the right training and proper monitoring of expectant mothers.

He offers a service in which mothers who have previously lost a child to a cord accident, fly toLouisiana between the 28-30 weeks of a subsequent pregnancy, where he performs an extensive ultrasound. During that time he studies the baby and the cord, and he is able to determine if the cord is wrapped or knotted at that time. Then, he sends each mother home with a "home monitoring system". Each night, the mother wraps this monitor around the belly while sleeping and a machine records the baby's heartbeat and any contractions that you may be having. Then the information is emailed to Dr. Collins each morning. As he watches and analyzes the data that is sent to him, he is able to detect problems with the cord before those problems cause fatality.

Since learning about this, I have had a great desire to participate in Dr. Collins work. The peace of Mind that would come from knowing that someone who is trained to recognize any potential problems is monitoring the health of my sweet baby would be truly priceless. Unfortunately, this program has a price tag.

A dear friend, Amy, that also lost a beautiful little girl, Alexis, due to a cord accident is the one that sent me the information about Dr. Collins. She has been an amazing friend through everything, as she understands and relates so personally to what we face each day. She has set up a miraculous blog on our behalf. A blog called "A Peace of Mind". She emailed me just a few days ago, saying that she wanted to help make this visit with Dr. Collins happen...and that there are so many people who want to help in some small way. She invites you to visit the blog where you can find out more about Dr. Collins and some different ways you can help.

My hope is that as others learn about Dr. Collins, more lives may be saved, more doctors will become educated, and more mothers will have a peace of mind.

Thank you Amy for being an Earthly Angel, and for serving a friend in such a selfless way.

A Beautiful Promise

2009-05-11T17:33:00.000-07:00

I have been missing my little boy a lot lately. I was lying in bed a few days ago, just wishing that I could have just even 15 min. with him. 15 min to talk...to hug. 15 min for him to give me added insight and a broader eternal perspective. 15 min for me to express my love to my little boy. 15 min for him to comfort his mommy. As I shed tears of loneliness, I felt impressed to read my
patriarchal blessing.
(Follow this link to learn more about this)

Since receiving my beautiful blessing at the age of 14, it has provided comfort, instruction, and direction in my life. However, since Branson's passing, it has been a gift I have grown to treasure and appreciate more than almost anything. It has become something that my heart and mind cling to, as I know that it comes from my Heavenly Father, filled with words of love and encouragement. It speaks to my soul.

It is filled with beautiful blessings that are promised to be mine as I seek to align my life's path with the will of the Lord and the commandments of God. At different times in my life, different parts of my blessing have been especially meaningful and helpful. Each time I read it, I find something new...it's been there all along, but it's meaning and significance has changed. As I read through it the other night, there was one line...one phrase that brought me the added peace and assurance I was seeking.

It stands as a paragraph of it's own:
"I bless you, Natalie, that your Guardian Angel will always be close to you."

Amazing.
I was overcome with the feeling that Branson is that Guardian Angel...that I get much more than those 15 min I was wishing for...I get a beautiful, angel son to watch over me and my family. An angel that has been promised to always be close.

Since that day, when I start to wonder "what if", I remember that beautiful blessing and I'm reminded of the love my Heavenly Father has for me. I love so perfect, that he saw fit to add a simple, one line promise some 13 years ago that would change my life today.

This promise got me through my first Mother's Day without my little boy, as I knew he would be close.

Our Angel Sent...

2009-04-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Branson,

Daddy and I can't tell you how excited we are to meet the newest member of our family that will be joining us at the end of October! Since the beginning of our marriage, our greatest desire has been to have a family. As you know, that road has been a difficult one. We waited, what seemed to be, five very long years to discover that you would be joining our family.

Although our time with you was much shorter than we had hoped and planned...we have felt so blessed to have our dreams of having a family come true through your miraculous life. We feel the love of parents, I experience the worry of a mother, and we find it truly amazing to be parents of such a valiant spirit. We are continually humbled as we recognize and come to appreciate what we have gained, what we've learned, and what we've shared with you despite the heartbreaking loss we have experienced.

Even during your time with us in my belly, daddy and I would talk about what it would be like meet you and what it would be like to someday meet your younger brothers and sisters. We both come from amazing families and have close relationships with our siblings, and we desired that for you.

Since your passing, daddy and I have had empty arms and aching hearts. There have been moments that all I've wanted is another baby...to be pregnant again. There have also been times when all I want is you back...I don't want another baby, I just want you. We've worried we won't be able to love another child like we love you... we've worried that our next baby won't be nearly as cute as you are... we've just worried.

Through time, we are learning to accept your life and mission and we have become more and more excited at the thoughts of welcoming another member into our eternal family.

Every night daddy and I pray for you. We pray that you'll be close to us...we pray that you will be continually valiant and courageous as you fulfill your mission at this time...we pray that you'll feel of our love for you...and we pray that you'll never forget that we're here trying our best to get back to you.

Ever night we have also prayed that when the timing was right that we would be blessed with another baby. We've put a lot of trust in the Lord to know when that time would be. We've prayed that you might be able to play a special role in this miracle when it would come.

The day that I took the pregnancy test, I fell to my knees in gratitude and love for the miracle we were witnessing. I talked to you and to Heavenly Father about my excitement, my gratitude, and my overwhelming love for both you. I just couldn't wait to tell daddy the great news when he got home that night.

As daddy opened the lost box that had the pregnancy test wrapped inside, his eyes filled with tears, and together we shed tears of joy.

Throughout the time that I've been pregnant, I have felt you close. There have been days when I find myself reminiscing about you and how I felt at this time when you were with me. I find myself missing you so much. I also find myself filled with amazement at this gift that I'm sure you were a part of.

Daddy and I now pray that this new little spirit will be allowed to stay with us here on the Earth. However, we also pray that this spirit will be special...special enough to feel you close to them throughout their life...special enough to recognize what an incredible older brother they have...special enough to realize that although daddy and I will have bitter/sweet moments as we watch them grow and miss you at the same time, that it's because we love you both so much...special enough to know we are sad your not with us, but elated that they are.

Branson...thank you for playing a part in this miraculous gift. Thank you for watching out for us. Thank you for being such a special part of our family. Enjoy all the time you'll have with your little brother/sister before they join us...cause lots of trouble, do lots of good, and make lots of memories together.

We can't wait to meet them. We can only hope the baby is as special and beautiful as you are.

All My Love,
Mommy

Just What We Needed

2009-04-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, we went to the mailbox, expecting the usual bills, credit card applications, and sale adds. As we shuffled through the pile however, we found a card from my dad. It was just what we needed.

The card read:
" Remember,
when the going gets tough....

(open)

...you can always
come over and hide in the closet
with me!"

The message inside really touched us, it said:

"Dear Rob and Natalie,
Been thinking about ya today. I've had Branson on my mind-wondering what if... Wish I could take him on a wheeler ride and take his picture, wish I could hold him and teach him to say "gompa"... Another day, another time.
Sure hope you both are doing good.
Love, Dad"

Simple, but perfect. It brought tears to our eyes, for we yearn for those moments as well. It brought us happiness to know that Branson is thought of in specific, tender ways. It was just what we needed that day!

Thank you mom and dad for being so good to send cards full of love and thoughtfulness every few weeks. We look forward to them. They mean more than you'll ever know!

Humbled

2009-04-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

Back in November, during our stake conference, we had the awesome opportunity of having a visiting apostle and member of the quorum of the twelve...Elder Richard G. Scott. Rob and I were very excited for this rare visit with one of the Lord's special witnesses.

We have actually had the opportunity to meet him previous to this occasion in Navuoo while on a LDS church history tour with my parents. He spoke at a sacrament meeting that we attended. Although I don't remember the specifics of his sermon, the testimony that he bore that day had a profound impact upon my heart and mind. He bore witness that he knew without doubt and with complete assurity that Jesus lives. That He is our Savior and that He loves each and everyone of us with a complete, unconditional love. I had the distinct impression that perhaps he has been in the presence of the Savior. His witness that day was powerful, and my love and admiration for him grew with that experience.

Then, almost three and a half years later we were blessed to hear him speak again, this time directly to our stake. We attended the Saturday evening session where he shared some personal insights on trials, on marriage, on faith, on courage, and on what it means to endure. It was a rare opportunity to hear an apostle of the Lord speak so personally and share some of his personal thoughts and feelings about life, the gospel, and his love for the Savior. The next day, at the general session, he spoke about the importance of families...and the importance of doing the "little things" with our children. He bore testimony that these "little things" are the things that make the biggest difference in the end. I specifically remember him addressing family prayer, family scripture study, and family home evening. I left that session with a renewed determination to live these principles more fully.

Shortly after the general session, we had an incredibly touching, sacred experience. Rob was asked by a close friend to stand in on a priesthood blessing that Elder Scott would be performing. This young friend was fighting a battle with cancer and had the faith to ask for this special blessing.

A small group of us gathered in the Stake President's office and waited while Elder Scott shook hands and greeted hundreds of other people. We talked about how busy he is, how much he had done in the last three days, and what a special experience is was to be able to spend some time with him. A while later, Elder Scott came into the small office, and instantly a special spirit filled the room. He greeted each person individually, asked their name, and how they new our young friend. I was so touched by his genuine interest, by his radiating love, and by his warm smile.

As he came to our friend, he got down on one knee and looked straight into his eyes. I will never forget the feeling that overcame me at that moment. He asked this young man if he had faith that Christ could heal his body, and explained that it would be this faith of his, combined with the power of the priesthood that could cause this healing to occur.

As Rob gathered with this small group, in a circle around this young man, I was impressed again by the love that emanated from each of them. The blessing was special, beautiful, and very personal.

After the blessing, Elder Scott again went around the room to shake each hand, and offer his love to each of us. As I waited for my turn, I kept thinking over and over that I too wanted a blessing from this incredible man. A blessing that would tell me Branson was okay, that I was going to be okay, and that someday we would have children upon this Earth. However, ever so gently, the spirit reminded me that my husband posesses the same priesthood as this apostle of the Lord, and that he is worthy at anytime to give me a blessing such as this.

This time as he took my hand, we paused and he looked straight into my eyes. Time stood still for a few moments. I told Rob later, that it was as if he was looking through my eyes into my soul. I didn't know how, but it felt like he understood some of the burdens I was carrying at that time with the passing of our son. No words were exchanged, but it seemed as if we shared something special.

Each encounter with Elder Scott has left me filled with more love and admiration for him than I previously had.

Now fast forward to this April General Conference of the Church....

Elder Scott spoke on the blessings of the temple (I am paraphrasing here). He taught so much about why the things that happen within the walls of this sacred place are so important to us as mortals in this life and as immortals in the life to come. Near the end of his talk, he said that he desired to share why these temple covenants, that bind our families together forever...even beyond the grave, are so special to him personally.

He first talked about the love that he has for his wife that passed away some thirteen years ago. He talked of the joy that has come to his life with the knowledge that they are a family unit for the eternities to come, and that although she is gone for now, that he looks forward to the day they will be reunited. He bore testimony that he knew the Lord had taken her for a wise purpose and that he believes she carries on this work on the other side of the veil.

Next, he shared that he and his wife had always desired to have a family. They welcomed three children into their home...a daughter, a son, and then a third (I think another daughter). However, he shared that this third child had died only minutes after birth....what? I was totally caught off guard, and the tears began to fall. He shared of the sadness they felt at the passing of this little one, but he also expressed the peace they felt through the knowledge that their family would one day be whole and complete again. Then, just six months later their second child, a son, needed to have a heart surgery. The surgery, if successful, would prolong the life of this child. They went ahead with the surgery. The doctor came out and told them that the surgery had been successful...that their son would be okay.

Elder Scott shared that he and his wife had just gotten on their knees to offer thanks to the Lord, when not ten minutes later, the doctor returned to deliver the devastating news that their son in fact had passed away, that his body was too weak to endure.

There I sat....tears streaming down my face as I thought about this incredible burden that Elder Scott and his wife had carried.

There I sat....humbled that this servant of the Lord had endured...with faith and complete trust...a trial similar to mine.

There I sat...with an increasing love and respect.

There I sat...with admiration of the person he's become...even though it was very tough along the way.

There I sat...in awe of this man as he expressed the joy he felt as he knew his wife was with these two children, and that he knew someday he would join them.

Was it this knowledge I knew nothing about that spoke to my soul that day after the blessing? I don't know, and perhaps I never will. What I do know is that the Lord softened my heart, increased my understanding, spoke peace to my mind, and has put extra courage in my steps as I move forward continually. I am thankful that Elder Scott shared this personal testimony with us. It gives me hope.

To find out more about our church, or this apostle of the Lord, visit the official church website at www.lds.org

Earthly Angels

2009-03-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

"But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind." Jeffery R. Holland

Over the last 8 months we have encountered many "earthly angels". They have been sent in times of need, they have provided love and support...light and direction, they have brought peace and comfort, they sent words of encouragement, and they have spent time on their knees on our behalf. We know that in God's love and wisdom, he could see that we would need these angels as we would embark on this journey.

Two of these angels are Michelle and Amber. Strangers in our lives until June 30th, 2008 ...angels ever since.

On Monday, June 30th, we learned the heartbreaking news that Branson's heart was no longer beating. Our world stopped with that news. We were in shock. Sometimes I think back to that day and wonder how our lungs even managed to keep pumping air, how our hearts had the strength to keep beating, or how our legs had the courage to keep walking.

I remember coming home that night, our minds in a fog....what?....why?....how? I remember these questions circling over and over again though my mind. As we sat on the couch in our living room we couldn't do anything but hold each other with tear stained faces and broken hearts.

Luckily, my parents had been with us that day at the hospital when the news came. They made the difficult phone calls to family and friends, they coordinated things with the doctor and hospital, and kept our world afloat.

Later that evening I remember my dad came into the room to tell us about a phone call he had just received. Someone from Utah had called to tell us about an organization of photographers who offer their services free of charge to families who's babies are born still. My initial reaction was..."what? Wouldn't that be weird? Am I going to want people I don't even know in my hospital room taking pictures of my with my baby who's dead?...I couldn't quite wrap my mind around it. I wasn't quite sure how to respond.

Then we brought Rob's computer into the room and went to the website that told more about these incredible, and we were able to see some of the beautiful pictures that they had taken of other families...and something spoke to my heart...yes, this was something we needed to do.

We found the phone number of one of the photographers in our area, and my dad made the call and set up a time with them for the next afternoon. On such short notice, they must have dropped whatever else they had going that day...families, their businesses, their lives...to help someone in need.

....

At 4:00 the next day, their was a light knock at the door...and two people walked into our lives...Michelle and Amber. They entered the room with quiet respect, an understanding smile, and countenances full of love and light. We introduced them to Branson, and they made us feel like we had the most beautiful baby they'd ever seen.

They went about setting up their lighting, and they had even brought their backdrop along with them. They just started snapping photos. They didn't pose us, or ask us to do anything that we hadn't been doing all day...we just held our little one...and they captured it!

They captured his every feature...his toes, his hands, his perfect little ears, his long feet, his cute little nose. They captured the love and loss that his grandparents felt. They captured pictures of him in all three outfits we had him dressed in that day. They captured a proud daddy, and a new mommy. They captured the sweet, tendure moments that we shared with him...but best of all, they captured our family...just the three of us.

They took their time...they didn't rush. It almost seemed as if we were the only people in the world that mattered to them at that moment. They finished up and said their goodbyes, and left as quietly as they'd come.

Even at that time, I didn't realize what a gift we'd just been given. I didn't fully appreciate or understand how much those pictures would mean to us, or how precious they would become. We had taken our own photos at the hospital that we developed quickly and cherished very much, but we waited anxiously for the email that had some of the professional images attached.

About a week and a half later (very fast for how many shots they had taken, and considering they still had full time businesses to run) we received that email. Rob and I sat together on the couch and opened the first attachment....and we were speechless...it was the most beautiful picture I had ever seen in my life. Branson looked so perfect, just like the angel he was.

Since then there hasn't been day go by that I don't look at the pictures these two women took of our little one. They make up his website, his memorial video, his scrapbook...they fill many frames, and adorn our walls.

There also hasn't been a day go by that I haven't thought about these two earthly angels, and offered thanks to God that they shared this beautiful gift with us. They touched our lives in a way that no one else could. They've helped us heal through their work, they've helped us remember just what Branson looked liked, they've met our angel....they've changed our lives.

I can't think of a more selfless act than capturing the moments shared with families and their babies who've had to leave too soon. Michelle and Amber...thank you! These two words seem so inadequate to explain the gratitude we feel towards you. We love you.

Members of this organization won't take any money for their services, however, they do take donations at their website. Please visit it to find out more about them and this incredible service. Please tell everyone you know about this...for you never know when someone will need this information...
Follow this link to their website

There was also an aritcle written about the organization lately in Newsweek...
Follow this link to read the article.

My Precious Child

2009-03-19T12:19:00.001-07:00

Today I have felt...well...lonely. I woke up this morning, and just felt that emptiness resurfacing again stronger than usual. I haven't been motivated to do much but lie around. I've tied to get up and clean, get ready for the day, or for that matter...just brush my teeth. However, when I try, I just find myself lying on the couch or my bed once again.

I finally decided to sit down and work on my blog...something I haven't had much motivation to do lately. Usually writing helps me process the emotion I'm feeling and it's healing for me to get it down in words. However, as I sat down to write, I found myself not wanting to face the loneliness, the emptiness. I didn't want to acknowledge the aching inside. I didn't want to muster up the courage to let it all out, because at times it feels better to keep it all in.

So, instead of going straight to my blog, I danced around other blogs. Reading about friends, family, and other angel babies. I then opened my friend Michelle's blog who also had this song playing. Instantly I started to sob.

This is a song I heard shortly after Branson's birth. It's a song that's part of his memorial video. It's a song that's special. It's a song that's painful. As I sat here today listening to this song, I was overcome with grief...with loss. I wanted my baby back in my arms so bad...wanted to see his beautiful face and touch his little toes.

Today this song captures my emotions...the pain, the hope, the longing, the remembering, the loneliness...the love.

"In my soul there is a hole that can never be filled.

In my heart you live on, always there...never gone.

Precious child, you left too soon.

Though it may be true that we're apart, you will live forever in my heart."

The Door

2009-03-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

The other day I was walking into the post office. I had my hands quite full with my purse, a bag with some items I needed to mail, and a large box full of packaging noodles. Walking in front of me was an older gentlemen. Assuming that he had probably noticed me and my full load, I also assumed that he would hold the hinged door open for me as I entered. So, I looked down once more just to make sure I had grabbed everything I needed from the car...not for a second worrying about the door.

Next thing I knew, there was the door...and there was me running right into it as it closed. In my assumptions, I hadn't even thought to look and make sure this older gentlemen had seen me, or that he was holding the door open for me. Instead, I found myself juggling my packages, trying not to drop any of them.

My first thoughts were those of disgust...how could he have been so rude? Surely he had seen me..did he just have no common courtesy? As I finally pulled the door open and got myself inside where I could set down my packages (muttering and complaining to myself the whole way), I had a chance to look at this man with whom I was so angry. He was old and had that warn look of life. However, he was smiling at me and his eyes were full of love.

I was instantly humbled. Here was the beautiful old man, with absolutely no malice in his heart who hadn't seen me entering behind him. I was sure that had he known I was there, he would have held the door open wide for me to enter, and guessing from his smile he probably would have allowed me to go ahead of him in line.

On the way home, I couldn't get this incident out of my mind. I wondered, how many times I too had unknowingly let the door shut on someone behind me? Then almost as soon as that thought came into my mind, so did this scripture and picture...

"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and him with me."
Revelation 3:20

This is a scripture and a picture that I am very familiar with. I have seen it many times before. I've always noticed that there was no door handle on Christ's side of the door, because it is up to us to turn the knob and let him enter our lives. However, as I pondered this picture now, I couldn't help but think that this door too must have hinges.

In order for a hinged door to remain open, it takes work. Someone has to stand at the door, holding it open...or it closes on it's own...and I was impressed that day that we are the only ones able to hold open the door to our lives. No one else can do that work for us. If and when we decide to step away, or leave the door...if even for a moment, it closes.

I've thought a lot about this since that day. I know that too often, I have been like that older gentlemen at the post office. At times, especially with the passing of Branson, I am unaware that Christ is right there beside me, waiting to come in. I go on with my life...absorbed in my grief and sorrow, my busy-ness, my anger, my questions, and at times...flat out laziness. Then, without realizing what I'm doing, I let the door shut behind me and leave Christ standing on the other side. I'm afraid that too often He's just about to enter...just about to answer a prayer...just about to abide with me in my darkest hour...or just about to comfort me with peace, and I, being impatient...not wanting to do the work, let go of the door and it shuts.

Before, I looked at the door in this picture like the front door to our homes...staying open after we answer, unless we purposefully shut it. Now, I am convinced that this door has hinges, and that because it has hinges, we have to constantly work at keeping it open. Opening the door once isn't good enough.

I am dedicated now to doing more each day to keep my door open. I am not sure exactly what keeps it open completely all the time, but doing things like scripture study, visiting the temple, praying, walking forward with faith and not fear, fulfilling my church calling, and having the courage to keep moving are some of the small things that I think at least keep it ajar.

The amazing thing about Christ, is that even when we stop working...or we become discouraged or impatient...and we let our door shut...he still waits on the other side... full of love, and understanding. As soon as we open the door again he is there. He never leaves. He is always at the door to our lives...knocking...waiting to enter.

I know that I will feel the presence of Christ, his peace, and his love more fully in my life as I work at keeping my door open.

Does Greif Have Legs?

2009-02-27T19:13:00.000-08:00

We had an interesting experience a few days ago.

Rob and I have recently been called to serve in a small branch of the church located about an hour and 15 min from our house. It's been a great experience so far, and we feel blessed to be part of the Lord's work in this area. The people there are so humble, and so willing to do what is asked of them. They have so much love, and have willing shared it with us.

We have been fortunate enough to develop a great friendship with the Branch President and his wife. They are close to us in age, and they are so much fun to be with. We have been so impressed by them and their desire and ability to carry the responsibilities that have been placed upon them because of this calling. We feel blessed to be a part of their lives right now. We are learning so much from their example of love and service.

Just 15 days ago they welcomed their first child, a little girl into their lives. We were so excited for them to experience the intense love that comes from having a child! So, last week after church we decided to stop by their house for a little while and meet their sweet girl for the first time.

I have to admit, that as always, I was a little apprehensive about seeing them in their home with a thriving, breathing, kicking, baby. It's always hard to see someone else that got to bring their baby home...when I never did. I did my usual "emotional preparation" before going in, telling myself that I would be okay, that I could be strong, that I could be happy for them.

As we walked into their house, I was filled with a sense of peace. Mom was cradling her little girl and offered to let me hold her. I took this little bundle into my arms and just let the warmth consume me. I studied her every feature...she is so perfect and beautiful! I let her little fingers wrap around mine, I took off one of her socks and adored her little toes, and I felt her little lungs expand with air as she curled up on my chest.

Inside I was thinking, "this should be hurting, but it's not. I should be shedding tears, but there's no tears to cry."

Then dad pulled out their digital camera and plugged it into the TV, to play a slide show of their first few family pictures with her at the hospital....and yes, panic struck! I knew I was about to see pictures of moments we never had...and inside I was full of fear... fear that I was about to totally loose it in front of all of these people. Yet, I didn't want to get up and walk out of the room either, fearing that doing so would only make the situation uncomfortable.

So, I sat there and watched these pictures scroll across the screen. I sat there waiting...waiting for the tears...for the sobs that typically come at moments such as this. I kept looking at Rob, who was holding the baby at the moment, and he too was doing pretty good. I sat there confused at my reaction.

We left without one tear shed.

On the drive home, I turned to Rob, and said, "Why wasn't that as hard as I thought it would be? Why didn't we cry? Why didn't I feel angry that they had what we don't?" After conversing, we decided that yes, grief (in our case) does have legs. It moves with us.

At first it was so hard for us to see newborns, to hold little babies, to see families bring home their little ones from the hospital, and to see people doing those things we didn't get to do with Branson shortly after birth...those things were hard, because Branson would have been a newborn. Yet, as time has moved...so has our grief.

Now instead of grieving the loss of a newborn, we now grieve the loss of a growing, developing little baby. It's harder now to see babies around the age of 8 months because that's how old Branson would be now. Branson wouldn't be a newborn any more. He'd be learning how to roll over, he'd be eating solid foods, he'd be laughing, he'd be cooing, he'd be smiling. Those are the things we miss now.

I'm guessing that our grief won't stop here either. In a few months we won't miss the 8 month old, we'll miss our little boy who should be learning to walk and talk. In a few years we will miss a little boy who should be having his first day of school, and playing his first T-ball game. We'll see children his age play high school ball, go to prom, serve missions, get married, and have families of their own...and all along the way we'll miss him.

So we're learning...learning that grief will be our walking partner. Sometimes the hill's we'll climb together will be hard, but at the summit of these hills we'll always be able to look back at road we've traveled and the road that lies ahead. We'll remember the heartache of the past, we'll see that we still have some hard days ahead, but we'll be blessed to recognize that there's joy scattered all along the way!

I pray that as grief walks with us, we can make it to the end of our journey where our little boy will be waiting.

Our Own Little Warriors

2009-02-20T10:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Rob and I had the opportunity of attending the temple. We said a special prayer together before going in that we might feel close to Branson, and to have an added amount of peace while we were there. Since Branson's passing, I yearn to be in the temple, for it is where I feel the closest to him...away from the distractions of the world, and freed from the negative thoughts that Satan tempts me to believe.

All day I had been thinking about Branson, and what he's doing during this time that we are spending apart. I often try to envision him...what he looks like, what he's doing during the day, what his mission in the spirit world is. During his name and blessing at the hospital, we had a strong confirmation from the spirit that Branson had in fact been called on a special mission at this time, and I have had that confirmation many times since then. I don't know exactly what he's doing, or why he was needed...I just know that it's real, it's important, and that he was valiant enough to be called and obedient enough to answer it.

During the session, the story of Helaman's 2,000 Stripling Warrior's (Chapters 53 and 56 in the Book of Alma, Book of Mormon) kept coming to my mind. This has always been one of the most inspiring and motivating stories in the Book of Mormon for me. Over and over during the two hours we were in the temple, I thought of these young men who so willingly and courageously accepted the call to serve, and vowed to protect their liberty, their families, and the lives of their people.

I wasn't exactly sure why this story kept coming to mind, when I had prayed to feel close to Branson, and we were also seeking direction to another situation in our lives. Yet, I couldn't ignore that the thoughts were there.

So, first thing this morning after eating breakfast, I sat down at the table and opened up to the book of Alma. I started to read the story of these stripling warriors, and as I read, I felt the spirit so strong and it all started to come together.

Over the past 7 months, and particularly the last 2 months, I have been able to meet (via the Internet) hundreds of mothers who have also had to say goodbye to their little ones too soon. All of these mothers...these families, are good, loving people. Parents who would have provided a wonderful home and a life full of love to these little spirits. As I have learned about each child and each family that they are a part of, I have been so amazed and inspired by each one. Every single little life, no matter how short, has already made a difference in so many ways...in so many lives! I have often wondered why so many of them had to leave these beautiful families...why weren't they allowed to stay?

And it hit me...all of these spirits were needed for something special...important. They have been called home to be a part of something great. Like these young men in Alma "...they were exceedingly valiant for courage, and also for strength and activity; but behold this was not all-they were men/women who were true at all times in whatsoever thing they were entrusted. Yea, they were men/women of truth and soberness, for they had been taught to keep the commandments of God and to walk uprightly before him." Alma 53:20-21

The spirit whispered...they are all Heavenly stripling warriors.

What an incredible thought! These spirits, working together, comprise perhaps one of the greatest "armies" ever known. Although their call is not to defend in a mortal battle, it's a call to defend in a time of spiritual unrest. They do not fight with weapons of war, but with the power of God. They don't have to defend the liberty of their land, but perhaps they defend the truthfulness of the gospel and the beauty of the plan of salvation. They don't make preparations for a physical battle, but perhaps they do make preparations for the second coming. They don't stand guard with weapons to protect their leader, but perhaps they do protect and prompt their families, friends, and loved ones on both sides of the veil. They don't teach others the methods of battle, but perhaps they do teach other spirits about Christ and the joy they can find through living his gospel. Perhaps these are just a few of their duties as warriors of truth.

The stripling warriors of the Book of Mormon succeed in their mission to protect, and I have no doubt our warriors will do the same.

"...they fought as if with the strength of God; yea, never were men known to have fought with such miraculous strength; and with such mighty power" Alma 56:56

I am thankful that I received an answer to my prayer, for the thoughts I had in temple have helped me feel closer to Branson, and they have brought an added measure of peace.

It is my prayer, that although I still grieve the separation from Branson...that I still have days full of tears and a heart full of longing...that Branson will someday be able to reply as the Stripling Warriors did...

"We do not doubt our mothers knew it"

Love For Our Little Guy

2009-02-14T06:53:00.000-08:00

"A mother's love begins when new life is stirring inside...when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she will never be alone."

Dear Branson,
Happy Valentines Day little buddy! On this day when we take extra time to express our affection to those we love most, you and daddy were at the top of my list! It's hard to put into words the intense love I have for you...I am continually amazed that my heart has the ability to expand in such a way! Through the heartache, sorrow, and pain of having to say "goodbye" to you so soon, daddy and I have grown so much...we have lost...we have gained. But, perhaps the greatest thing we've gained is a deeper, stronger love for each other; an intense, unconditional love for you; and a humbled heart full of gratitude and love for the Savior.

From the moment that we discovered you would be joining our family I began to love you. Actually, I think I have loved you my whole life...in the idea of you and the hope I always had of being a mother! I'll never forget the first time I felt you stir inside me...what an incredible thing! Suddenly you became so real...and my love continued to increase. Our favorite thing to do was cuddle with each other on the couch and together, feel you kick and stretch. Sometimes at night we would just lie in bed, feeling you move, and marvel together at how we could love someone so much that we hadn't even met.

We tried to enjoy the moments we shared with you, as we decorated your nursery, picked out your little outfits, planned for your arrival, and as we dreamed about what life with you would be like. As soon as we finished your nursery, daddy and I would go in their every night. I would sit in the rocker and daddy next to me on the floor. He would read to you from one of the many books we had for you, and then most nights we would sing to you. We talked to you, and daddy loved to kiss my belly! Every night we prayed for you. We prayed that you would be well and healthy. That you would know of our love for you, and that we could prepare to be the best parents possible for you.

The day we met you was the most incredible day of our lives. It was filled with moments of great sorrow and heartache, but having your spirit there with us that day was special, unforgettable! I couldn't get over how beautifully perfect you were in every way! You had the cutest stinkin toes I've ever seen, the longest little fingers, a perfect nose, the cutest round ears...you were cuter than I ever imagined possible! I have to admit, that you did take after mommy a lot, but as I study your pictures each day, I can see daddy within you too.

Oh, Branson, I'm glad you were there with us in spirit so you could see the smile on daddy's face. He was so proud to have a son. He held you with tender loving arms, and looked upon you with loving eyes. He got to weigh you, bathe you, dress you, and take your hand and foot prints. He even got to lay down and snuggle with you (something he'd wanted to do for a long time). Daddy just kept saying, "isn't he just perfect Nat?"

I pray that I'll never forget how it felt to you hold you in my arms. It felt so right. I tried to soak up ever minute...to imprint your every feature on my mind and in my heart. I loved playing with your little fingers and caressing your little toes. I even got to give you your first hair cut! I loved showing you off to your grandparents and even a few friends who stopped by to see you. I couldn't have been any prouder.

Daddy and your grandpas got to give you a name and blessing...It was incredible. The words daddy spoke were inspired and brought peace to my heart. You were called on a special mission and we knew you wanted to valiantly return. What more could we ask for than a son who was pure enough, special enough to be called back without having to endure the mortal trials of this earth? Daddy told you that it was okay for you to leave us, and shortly after that we felt a change in the room as your spirit said goodbye.

Daddy and I had some special time alone with you where we talked with you, had our first family prayer together, and showered you with hugs and kisses. The hardest moment for us was preparing to let you go...physically and spiritually. I'll never forget the last kiss I placed upon your forehead, and the instant empty feeling I got as daddy took you one last time from my arms. I watched as he walked across the room to hand you over to the nurse. He paused and gave you one last kiss and said "I love you Branson." I couldn't believe that this was the last moment I would see you in this life.

Our love and appreciation for your life has only grown since that day. We miss you more than there are words to express, but we move forward in the knowledge that you're ours for eternity and that someday...sooner than we know...we'll be with you again. Oh how I look forward to that day...that embrace!

We continue to pray for your every night. We pray that the you'll feel of the love we have for you, that you will be blessed to perform your special mission, and that we can do all in our power to make it back to you. We pray that there might be times when you can visit us, and we cherish the times when we feel your spirit near.

But you already know these things don't you Branson...you've always known that this was your plan. You've been with us during these special moments, and you've shared in this love as well! We take comfort in the fact that you were with us as we celebrated your conception, planned for your arrival, rejoiced in your birth, and as we grieve in your passing.

Our life will never be the same because of the marks you have left on our hearts, and the change that has occurred in our souls. Thank you for the beautiful things you've taught us. Thank you for the love you have shared with us. Thank you for allowing us to be part of your plan. Thank you for being our son.

Sending You All My Love,
Mommy

Tears

2009-02-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

I have commented many times before that I only wish that with the shedding of my tears, came the shedding of calories...for then I would truly be a fat burning machine!

I am not sure what has sparked the tears as of late. The last few days, especially the nights, have been extremely hard...lonely. Just last night I found myself tossing and turning in bed, unable to
shut my mind down enough for me to sleep...asking questions, replaying my whole pregnancy, wanting to go back to the day we met Branson, wondering how I got here, wishing I could hold my little guy again, fearing I'll never be an earthly mother, and praying that I'll have the strength to make it through the night.

Finally at 3:00 a.m. with no sleep and a restless mind I decided to go into Branson's nursery and try to sleep in the recliner. However, still unable to slow my mind enough to sleep I just lied there in the darkness going round and round the grief cycle...angry that he's gone, thankful that he's mine forever, feeling at peace because of what I know, wondering why me, asking what if, feeling guilty for asking what if and why me, feeling proud to be his mommy, and then it starts all over again.

I haven't yet figured out why some days...some weeks are easier than others, or why some nights I fall asleep with peace in my heart knowing that Branson is okay and that someday I will be too...and other nights I lie in bed, soaking my pillow with tears of longing to be with him right now.

As I continue on this unfamiliar path of grief, I get to the point where the path ahead looks familiar...predictable, and then all of the sudden there is an unexpected turn in the road and I'm faced with a new hill to climb. This last week has been one of those unexpected hills.

As I've pondered what might have brought about this turn in my path, I have decided that it's the "life's just not fair" feelings that have come about because of some situations I've encountered over the last few days. Now I'm having to climb the hill in front of me...and I'll be the first to admit that the "unfair" hill is not an easy one to scale.

I am currently subbing at the local schools in our area. The last three days I have been at one of the high schools. Each time I'm there I see yet another young women...a little girl...preparing to become a mother. I see these girls rubbing their pregnant bellies, bragging to their friends, showing off ultrasound pictures, and scribbling their favorite baby names on a notebook during class. As I pass them in the hallway and teach them during class, I can't help but feel cheated, angry, and full of questions. One part of me feels compassion for the delicate situations they are in, another part feels jealous that these girls have what I want so bad, another part is screaming that life isn't fair, another part wants to take them by the shoulders and tell them that they're so young...so naive, and another part of me wants to explain what a beautiful gift of love they could give a couple like Rob and I through the choice of adoption.

I've had the nerve a couple of times to ask some of them if they've considered putting up their babies for adoption, and the reply is always the same "no, I'm keeping the baby". I explain that my husband and I would love to adopt a baby, so that is why I was asking. This seems to make them feel like they should tell me about every girl at school that is pregnant and keeping their baby...and today I found out six sophomores...yes sophomores, are pregnant.

After a sleepless night thinking about all of this over and over, and then another day full of it all again...I came home today and emotionally crashed. My heart felt so fragile, and my soul full of sorrow. As I unlocked the door, I fell to my knees under the weight of the "unfair" thoughts I'd carried with me all day, and the tears began to fall..tears, prayers, tears, searching the scriptures for some kind of comfort, tears, and more tears.

After looking up many scriptures I found one that finally brought a little comfort and spoke peace to my heart. It's a scripture that we found to put in Branson's memorial video, but I haven't really thought about it a lot since then. Jeremiah 31:13
"...for I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them rejoice from their sorrow."

I felt a calm, warming assurance that one day...maybe not tomorrow, next week, or even next month...but some day through the atoning power of the Savior's sacrifice and the unconditional, perfect love of God our sorrow will turn to joy, and that we will truly rejoice for all we have gained through our mourning.

I have faith that "...God will wipe away all the tears from our eyes" (Rev. 7:17) Like the sparrow that falls, I believe that each tear of heartache shed is counted. I believe that that Savior recognizes each one and that some day those same tears will flow again...only that time they will flow because of joy.

For now I'll continue to climb the "unfair" hill.
Accepting that life's not fair is hard.

Mommy Marks

2009-02-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

Perhaps the greatest "physical" trial I've ever been through happened shortly after Branson's birth.

As many mothers know, the effects of pregnancy and child birth on a woman's body can be harsh, painful, and not pretty! I had been told over and over by several women to prepare myself mentally for the pain associated with breast feeding, the months of still feeling and looking a little pregnant, and they also warned me that I would need to learn how to accept my "new" body, as it would never be the same again after giving birth to a child. I was even given a special cream that I applied every day to prevent stretch marks.

Branson was scheduled to come by way of a C-section due to a large uterine fibroid that was obstructing the birth canal. My doctor and other mothers who had given birth this way also tried to prepare me and educate me about the lengthy, and somewhat painful recovery process of having such major surgery.

I knew these women and my doctor were right. However, the physical hurdles I knew I would face seemed a small price to pay so I could become a mother and have Branson here with me. After all, I'd prayed for this blessing for over 5 years...I didn't feel like complaining much about the physical side affects that came as part of my answer...my miracle!

As the heartbreaking news came that Branson's heart had stopped beating, it's almost as if my body automatically went into survival mode. All I could think about was that I would only have my son here with me for a few hours, and I wanted those few hours to be special...memorable. I wanted to capture and burn an image of every moment and every little one of his features in my mind forever. The rest didn't matter.

The morning of his birth seemed so unreal. As they prepped me for surgery, I just laid there with tears streaming down my face. No nerves about the surgery itself, just anxious feelings about meeting our son in a very different way than we had dreamed. As the anesthesiologist came in, and I hunched up in a ball for my spinal block, I wasn't even scared (previous to this point, it was the thing I was most worried about for Branson's delivery). My C-section went well and I shortly found myself in the recovery room with the two most important men in my life...Rob and Branson.

That day was the best day of our lives thus far.

In the days following Branson's birth, I just lied in the hospital...mostly consumed by shock and unbelief. My mind in a state of fog, life passing by in blurry, slow-motion. I let the nurses and Rob take care of me physically, as I just tried to survive emotionally.

It wasn't until I arrived home that I fully began to realize that although my heart and mind knew that Branson was gone, my body did not. The day I came home from the hospital my milk began to come in. My breasts became rock hard with milk, as that is what they're supposed to do. I sat in pain, with my breasts covered in cabbage leaves (a remedy to help dry up the milk), and just sobbed that there was no Branson there to feed, to make the pain seem fair. There I sat in the recliner, unable to go anywhere, or do anything on my own. I reeked of cabbage, and I had to completely rely on my husband and mother-in-law for everything. They brought me food, they transported me to the bathroom, they helped me shower, and dressed me. All I could ask was, "where is the justice in this?"

I remember the first time I got out of the shower and looked at my body in the mirror...again, the tears just flowed. I looked like I had been through Hell and back, and emotionally speaking I had, but now I looked the part too. I remember looking and feeling about four months pregnant still. This made me very apprehensive to leave the house. I knew the "are you pregnant" question from strangers would be inevitable, for that's what I looked like...pregnant. I had a nice little pouch, with no baby by my side to suggest that, no I wasn't pregnant, I had in fact just given birth to a beautiful little boy.

I'll never forget the first person who asked me if I was pregnant after Branson's birth. I wanted to drop kick them and let them have an ear full...instead I just smiled and said that I had actually recently given birth to a little boy who was spending some time at home...for isn't that where he truly is...home?

I felt so angry...cheated, that I still had to deal with the physical pains, the healing, and the unfamiliar...not pregnant, but not normal, body. It just seemed like someone should have taken that all away, it wasn't fair that I still had to go through all of it without a baby to remind me that it was worth it. It just wasn't fair.

Slowly, I began to heal...my milk dried up and went away...and my body began to shrink just a little (still working on that one :). I still struggle to accept my body the way it is, yet I find myself not wanting to "let go" of the pouch completely because it's physical proof that Branson was here. Despite the prevention cream, I also acquired some pretty intense stretch marks the last three weeks of my pregnancy...carrying an eight pound baby and a fibroid the size of a small basketball can stretch you to limits never before imagined!

Anyway, the other night Rob and I were lying in bed just chatting and the biggest smile came across Rob's face. I said, "What? What are you smiling about?"

And, he said, "You are just perfect for me in every way."

Sorta jokingly I responded, "I am? Even with my little pouch and the stretch marks that adorn it?"

He said, "Are you kidding? That's the best part! Those aren't stretch marks...they're mommy marks! They remind me everyday of the awesome mother you are, and all that you sacrificed to bring Branson into the world. They are a visual reminder that I am the father of an incredible little boy, and the luckiest man in the world!"

So today, I am grateful for my "mommy marks". Grateful that they came. Grateful for my darling little boy who has left an everlasting mark not only on my body, but on my heart. Grateful that I have an adorable husband who loves me, every part, for who I am. Grateful that together, the three of us, make one cute little family!

How Can I Help

2009-01-28T12:51:00.000-08:00

I have recently been blessed to come across a network of mother's who also have angel babies. It has been truly touching to learn more about each one. I am amazed at the beautiful impact that each little angel has had on so many lives. Like my sweet Branson, each one has left their mark on this life, and their print on so many souls. Thank you to each one of their mother's for sharing their stories, feelings, pictures, and perspectives with me. I am blessed to rub shoulders with such an inspiring crowd!

On the side bar of one blog I read this week, I found this list...a list of things that people can do to show support, love, and concern for people who are bereaved. I've asked Michelle if I could use some of the ideas on her list, combine them with some of my own thoughts, and share them with others.

As I have reflected often on life before Branson, I am humbled by the things I didn't understand about loss. I had no idea how incredibly life changing it is for a family when they loose someone they love. A loss is a loss regardless of the persons age, well being, or status in this life. I was often the person that said or did nothing because I wasn't sure what to do or say. I had never experienced grief in a personal way, so to speak to someone traveling through the journey of grief was like speaking a foreign language. I have offered many prayers since then that I might be forgiven for the pain I know I must have caused others in their moments of grief because I failed to act in love on their behalf.

I guess that is one of the things I've gained through this journey...perspective...perspective on grief, loss, and love. I, like Michelle, pray that this list of suggestions might help others who have loved ones traveling this difficult road.

Unfortunately, grief doesn't come with a user's guide, or an instruction manual. So this is just a few things from the view I see when I look at my path through this journey and the perspective it provides. I am sure there are many more things that could be added to the list, and some that others may feel shouldn't be on there...take away what you think can help you and the person you love that is bereaved.

When Someone you Love is Bereaved

(Sorry, some of the fonts have gone a little crazy)

1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it's uncomfortable at first, it will become easier. My favorite thing to do is to tell others about Branson, and I love it when people ask...what he looked like, what my favorite moment we shared with him was, or my favorite feature about him. Not so much the heartache that surrounds his death, but the joy that abounds in his life!

2. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like you want to know. This one is especially true for me. Some people ask not wanting to know the truth and when you give it to them, they don't know what to do with it.

3. Don't ever put a time line on someones grief. It is different for everyone, and loosing someone isn't something you "get over".

4. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards. We appreciated every single card that we received after loosing Branson. I have kept each one. I pull them out often and read the messages of love sent to us in our time of sorrow. I especially appreciate the ones sent months later from people who wanted to let us know that they were still thinking of us and our little guy.

5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm So sorry you have to go through this." One of the hardest things for me continues to be those who act as if nothing ever happened. Not that I want people to wallow around in my grief, but people who have never said one word about Branson, not even "sorry", make me feel like they believe that Branson wasn't real, that he isn't part of our family, and that our loss was simple, insignificant, and something that we just need to "get over". I know that they are probably the ones who just don't know what to say, but it's hard to accept.

6. If the person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to. I have found that verbalizing my thoughts, even if there is no response from the person listening, helps me process through it better and come to a conclusion or answer on my own. I appreciate those who just listen without judgement.

7. Don't assume they are ever "better." They never become completely whole and the loss will be a part of them for the rest of their lives. I have decided that the piece of my heart that left that day with Branson will always be gone...I just have to figure out how to live a new "normal" without it.

8. Don't underestimate how frazzled, absent minded, and spacey grief can make someone.

9. Accept the fact that you can not "fix" this for them. What you can do is love them.

10. Saying things like, "They are in a better place" can be confusing. While it may be true that Heaven is a beautiful place, it makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good enough.

11. Do not, I stress Do not get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone or return your calls. Don't assume that they don't appreciate your effort. It's just that someone bereaved doesn't want to put on a "happy voice" when they are having a hard day, but they don't want to burden everyone with their grief either.

12. If you didn't know the person who has passed at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through the stories of those who loved them. Most people never got to hold or see my little guy...only 10 in fact...yet he was here, he was so real, and he marks our life forever. There may be people who pass on in the lives of our loved ones and friends that we never knew...that doesn't make them less important or unreal.

13. Validate.Validate.Validate. Please whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones loss to someone else's "harder loss". Every loss is hard. Comparing makes the person feel like they shouldn't struggle because it could be worse.

14. The comment "but aren't you grateful you know you'll see them again" isn't a fix it all. It is true, but it doesn't take the pain out of not having them now. Just because the bereaved may continue to cry and have hard days doesn't mean they don't have a testimony of the plan of salvation, or that they have given up hope...it means that they are normal and they miss their loved one more than words can express.

15. Most of all, make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on.

Remember that this may be the first time the bereaved has gone through something like this. Be patient, loving, and nonjudgmental of their emotions, thoughts and feelings.

I pray that I too can be a little more sensitive, a little more aware of those around who are bereaved. Thank you to all our family, friends, and loved ones who have been so supportive, patient, loving, and sensitive to our loss.

A link to Michelle's Blog
http://krainichfamily.blogspot.com/

Understanding

2009-01-22T14:22:00.000-08:00

"And He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions of every kind...and he will take upon him their sicknesses...their infirmities...that he may know according the the flesh how to succor his people..." Alma 7:11-12 (page 225 of the Book of Mormon)

I have always been taught by my parents, leaders, and scriptures such as this that Christ's atonement is powerful enough to not only pay the price for sin, but mighty enough to heal every pain and sickness we experience...emotional, physical, mental, or spiritual. Yet, in the days, weeks, and months after Branson's death I found myself asking, "If I have to feel this heartache and pain so intensely, why too did Christ have to feel it?" I just couldn't bare the thought of both of us going through such darkness, loneliness, and pain.

I wanted the atonement to "fix" things immediately, to take it all away...and it wasn't. So, as I've done with so many other principles lately, I began to read, to search, and to find out for myself the answer to my questions. In so doing, my relationship and perception of the Savior has changed…and my life has changed because of it. Until six months ago I felt that I knew the Savior and appreciated his sacrifice on my behalf…little did I know that my knowledge of him, and my love for him was incomplete and lacking in so many ways.

I certainly haven’t been perfect in life, and I've tried my best to use the atonement to make up where I've fallen short. However as I felt the most intense heartache and pain of my life, I wondered if it was really true that Jesus took some of this pain for me as he suffered in Gethsemane and eventually died for me on the cross. If he had suffered this already “for” me, then why did I too have to feel the heart-wrenching grief that seemed to be consuming my life?

One night this question was weighing particularly heavy upon my mind. As Rob and I laid in bed, I posed this exact question to him…his reply is what has changed me the most. He said, “Nat, think about it. It’s all about perspective. There are so many people in our ward, our neighborhoods, our families that don’t have a proper perspective on our trial. They’ve never experienced anything like this before. Therefore, try hard as they may to “fix” this for us, they just don’t know what to do or say that will completely heal us. Even people who have gone through a similar trial can’t perfectly help us carry this pain, or heal our hearts. Although they understand in a very real way some of what lies ahead in our journey, even their grief and healing process is different from ours. Grieving is so personal and unique. However, there is one person that has a PERFECT perspective on this trial because he has walked every mile of OUR situation, and that is the Savior.”

I began to mull that over in my head that night, the next day, and every day since and these are the things I’ve come to appreciate about the atonement.

Christ knows perfectly how to heal us because he felt every piece of this cross that we would be asked to carry. He knows what I will personally need that even Rob might not because the atonement is that personal…that real.

He knows how to answer my prayers in my moments of grief because he has a perfect perspective on what I need and how that need can be met. There have been very specific ways in which I have seen this happen in the past few months. He has sent the right people when I’ve needed them, I have opened the right book to answer a question I’m pondering, I have been touched by the spirit to act on promptings he’s sent. Because of these and many more, through the atonement, he has begun to heal me.

The atonement provided him a perfect perspective on every emotion, thought, and feeling that I have because he’s felt them too. He doesn’t judge me because I have moments full of anger, he doesn’t think less of me because I question things I shouldn’t question, and he doesn’t make me feel guilty for being me. He’s continually patient and lovingly waits for me to “see” what he’s put before me to partake of.

Because of the knowledge that God has, and the love that he feels for me, he won't take this trial away from me...even though he could. Instead, he sent his son thousands of years before me to experience my personal pain so that I might have a friend, a Savior who could truly understand it, help me through it, and then through mercy make up where I fall short.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks helped me understand more when he said:
"Healing blessings come in many ways, each is suited to our individual needs. Sometimes a "healing" cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are "healed" by being given strength, understanding, or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us."

And it hit me... Christ didn’t suffer in Gethsemane to take away my pain…he suffered so he’d understand my pain and understand how to heal me in a very real, personal way.

I'm sure in future years I'll look back and be able to see just how much Christ has truly carried me and so much my burdens as I've walked this journey. I hope too that someday I may be able to fully comprehend and appreciate all that the atonement has done for me. I am grateful that Christ doesn't walk in front of me impatiently waiting for me to "catch up", that he doesn't walk behind me watching me step into the darkness ahead alone, but that he walks beside me...teaching me, leading me by the hand, and lighting my way.

I have never been more grateful for Christ’s sacrifice of life on the cross so that he could be resurrected. I now see that it is through this that I will be able to be reunited with Branson and spend eternity with him as a family. I am thankful for the blessings and power of the temple covenants that make this possible for me, and I am eternally grateful that Christ has made it certain, through his atonement, that Branson will be there waiting if I can but make it back.

A Most Cherised Moment

2009-01-14T16:26:00.000-08:00

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking back to the day we spent with Branson. Although that time was short, it was filled with some of the moments I cherish most in life so far. In those few short hours that slipped away too fast, I was able to see and feel so many amazing things. I lack the words to adequately describe to others the emotions of that day, and atmosphere of our hospital room.

Although there were moments of great sorrow and heartache, served with an endless supply of tears, there was also a constant feeling of peace. A peace like nothing I've ever felt before or since...a gift that saw us through the hardest day of our lives. It was very apparent to Rob and I that Branson's spirit was there with us, enveloping us with his pure love. It almost felt as though we were treading upon sacred ground. We both said we'd never seen nor felt anything so sweet and completely pure.

I've often wanted to go back to that day and package that peace in a beautiful box...a box that could be opened on days I need to be reminded that with the peace we felt that day came an assurance that this was Branson's plan, that he was happy, safe, and excited to serve his mission on the other side. A peace that let me know I was blessed to be a part of his beautiful plan, and privileged to be mother to such a valiant son!

I didn't get to capture that peace, but I do carry with me traces of that peace and the memories of all the special moments of that day. Tonight I'd like to write about one of these moments so that I might come back and read it during moments of this journey when these memories aren't so fresh, or I feel the peace slipping farther away.

One of my most cherished moments of that day is one that occurred shortly after Branson was born. The doctors couldn't put me completely under during my C-Section, but they did give me something to help me sleep during the surgery. The doctor assured me that it would not affect my alertness afterwards, as I wanted to be fully alert to enjoy the few hours I would spend with my son.

As I lay there on the surgical table, being stitched up, I drifted to consciousness for the first time and saw one of the most beautiful, sacred things I think my eyes will ever behold. As my eyelids opened, I began to search for something familiar, and I soon met Rob's gaze. There, sitting next to me was my husband...eye's lit up, a broad smile, and a proud demeanor. In his arms was cradled our son. Rob was naturally rocking side to side, holding Branson with arms full of love...arms that had waited for this moment for a very long time. As I looked upon my little boy for the first time, I couldn't help but be amazed at how perfect and beautiful his little face was. It almost appeared as though Rob held a little piece of Heaven in his arms. It just looked right. Yet, it wasn't just my son that was so perfect, it was the fact that my husband was now a daddy...a daddy that was full of pride and love for his new little boy...and that was perfect. No words were exchanged...just smiles and tears. Rob's eyes spoke to me saying " Isn't he amazing?" No words could have said it better.

I quietly slipped back to unconsciousness while they finished stitching me up, with tears of joy on my face and peace in my heart.

That moment will forever be imprinted on my memory and it's affect will forever mark my heart. This is just one of the moments that made it bearable to say "hello" at the same time that we said "goodbye".
I love you Branson!

Building My Ship

2009-01-08T16:48:00.000-08:00

I feel as though I'm having a "build your ship" moment in life.

I have always enjoyed reading the story about Nephi and his family as they sojourn in the wilderness, following the guidance the Lord provides them as they seek to reach the promised land he has prepared for them. However, until my recent study of one specific part of their story I had failed to make a real correlation to it's importance in my life.

In 1 Nephi Chapter 17 (page 36 in the Book of Mormon), Nephi and his family arrive at the land "Bountiful" and they rejoiced because after much suffering, affliction and trial of their faith they had finally arrived at this fruitful, abundant place. I can imagine that as they pitched their tents in this place that they may have been saying to themselves hey, this feels good to have some comfort and beauty, and to be free of heartache and affliction for a time. I'm guessing that they desired to remain in this land for a time and enjoy the beauty and abundance it provided.

Looking back over the past year, that is essentially how I felt. I looked at the infertility problems of the past as being over, and that my pregnancy with Branson was my "land Bountiful". I thought that surely I had passed through enough affliction because of our trial of infertility that the Lord would let me rest for a while and enjoy this land bountiful of bearing children and being a mother. A land that was free of the heartache that being "baron" had brought me for so many years. However, as with the Nephi's family, this would not be the case.

After being in this land of Bountiful for only the space of many DAYS, Nephi was called upon by the Lord to construct a ship that would carry his people across the ferocious waters of the ocean that separated them from the promised land...I sit here now in awe that Nephi didn't just crumble in disappointment, or shrink in fear. Not only did they not get to rest for a season, but he was to build a ship...and not just any ship...a ship big enough and strong enough to carry his family. He'd never built a ship before...he didn't know where to begin...what tools to use, where to find the materials, or how to construct the frame. Now instead of resting in a "trial less land" he was faced with a daunting task.

On June 30th the Lord asked me to "build a ship". Although not literal as in Nephi's case, my ship is just as vital to my survival. It needs to be big, and strong enough to see my through stormy seas. Like Nephi, I didn't know where to start, or where to find the materials to build this ship...the ship of faith, patience, endurance, and trust. I hadn't built a ship like this before, and I didn't know the first thing about putting it together well enough to get me through. My days in the land bountiful had come to a quick end, and the Lord was asking me to prepare to cross these waters.

What happens next in the story would be, what I see as a defining moment for Nephi. He returned to tell his family of the task ahead and was greeted not with support, but with murmuring and complaints. His family wasn't ready to give up this land so quickly, and they had no desire to labor in this arduous task. So it was left to Nephi...would he follow the command of the Lord to build this ship and leave this fruitful land, or succumb to the natural man as his brothers had and be angry with God for putting yet another boulder in their path to this promised land?

I too have felt as though I've been at crossroads such as this. I can see very clearly at times that I have two options in front of me, and the choice is mine...one, to build a ship that will require a lot of hard work, tears, faith, trust, and patience...or to stay where I am and let myself complain, murmur, and feel sorry for myself that the Lord has even asked me to do something so hard.

I know there have been many times when I have been like Nephi's brothers, full of complaint, anger, and a lack of understanding...and perhaps at times that seems like an easier road, but tonight I pray that I can be as Nephi was...strong and firm with unwavering faith. So I take Nephi's council personally as he told his brothers:
"...murmur no more...for God has commanded me that I should build a ship. If God commanded me to do all things I could do them."

Nephi never doubted in his ability to perform this task he said,"...if the Lord has such great power, and has wrought so many miracles among the children of men, how is it that he cannot instruct me, that I should build a ship?"

With the help of the Lord Nephi did build his ship not after the manner of men, but after the manner which the Lord had shown unto him. This ship saw him and his family through to the promised land...a ship that was thought of as impossible and foolish by some...a ship that brought them to the promised land the Lord had prepared for them.

I am beginning to see that all of us, at one time or another, will have these "build your ship" moments in life...without them we wouldn't have the means of travel to make it back someday. I know that I too, with the help of the Lord, can build this ship. It's definitely a work in progress, but the Lord does show me "from time to time" the manner in which it can be done. I'll follow the example of Nephi and "pray oft to the Lord" and he will show unto me the great things that can be reached on this ship I'm building. A ship built after the Lord's blueprints, and not the blueprints the mortal inside me would have designed. I'm thankful for the tools the Lord provides at the moments I need them, not at the moments I want them...and I'm thankful he's able to know the difference.

Someday I'll set sail on my finished ship to the promises that await...a promise of a forever family that includes my sweet Branson. Until then I'll just keep building.

Seeing All We'll Miss

2008-12-27T07:36:00.000-08:00

Well, Christmas has come and gone, and our trip to Utah is more than halfway over. For the most part I've done pretty good with keeping my emotions in check, but still letting myself feel the longing for my son on what have been his first Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I've had my faucet moments (the tears just come...sometimes harder than others, and sometimes I feel like a water faucet that is turned on and off). It's crazy, how at times, moments I imagine would be very difficult aren't as hard as I thought they might be, and moments I thought I would be just fine...I loose it...last night I had one of those moments!

My dad has been working really hard on getting all of our family film strips and videos put into DVD format so that we, as a family, can enjoy watching them more often. We've known about it for a while because one of our good friends has been doing a lot of the work on them. One day last month my dad called Rob after previewing one of the early filmstrip DVD's that had pictures and silent video of me and my two older brothers when we were just small. He was so excited for us to come home and see these darling moments of us being so cute and Innocent. After the phone call, we too were excited to watch the DVD's and see me as a little girl. This is one of those moments we imagined thoroughly enjoying, and not for one second did I imagine it being hard or difficult.

So, last night after opening gifts with my family we put in the first DVD and started watching. Right at the beginning was video of my mom when she was pregnant with my oldest brother. Initially I thought...oh, how cute! I hadn't see many pictures of my mom while pregnant with any of us. However, it didn't take too long for me to see the similarities between my mom and me when I was pregnant with Branson...and suddenly I could feel some very strong emotions beginning to build. Then, the next segment of the video was at the hospital shortly after my brother was born...the doctor holding him up proudly for my mom to behold her son for the very first time...he was screaming, filling his lungs with air, being weighed and measured, swaddled in a new receiving blanket, and passed to my mother's arms...things I never got see and experience with Branson. And...I lost it!

Tears started to freely flow down my cheeks and I began to feel sobs building inside my chest. However, not wanting to distract the rest of my family, I tried really hard to keep those sobs inside. I hate the feeling when I do that. It feels like there is a giant boulder sitting on my heart...the weight of that boulder is heavy and almost unbearable. It's like trying to keep a boulder that's hanging on the edge from rolling down a steep hill, and with one person pushing against the weight of that boulder, it can't be stopped for long.

I'm guessing my parents noticed the tears, and felt like they should change the video...so they put in the second DVD, and I thought, oh good...now the boulder will go away. Boy was I wrong. This video was filled with images of my brothers in the bathtub together, darling birthday cakes made by my mom, birthday parties, proud parents showing off their sons, Christmas's, crawling, cute outfits, baby waves, first days of school, and camping trips...and the boulder felt heavier than ever!

Until now I had mostly missed the baby things about Branson....stroller rides, bath time, breast feeding, cooing, swaddling, rocking, sleepless nights, and changing diapers just to name a few. I had pictured him only in the baby clothes that adorned his closet, and I had only "seen" him sleeping in the cradle and crib we had set up for him in his nursery. However, like a giant suname wave, I began to "see" all the things we'll miss in years to come.

My "loss" was being multiplied right in front of my eyes. We'll never get to see Branson in that way, or doing all those "little boy" things...no bath time with younger siblings, no birthday parties, no first day of school, no helping daddy in the yard, no playing cowboys and Indians, no crawling...none of it. I couldn't help but notice how much my older brothers looked like their sons, and my boulder began to roll...I wanted everyone to say...I can't believe how much Branson looks like you Nat. But, most of my family has only seen pictures...and that's all they'll ever see.

I had to get up and leave the room...I had to let the boulder fall. I couldn't support it's weight anymore. I hadn't even noticed that Rob too had left the room, but as I walked into my bedroom, I saw him lying on the bed with a tear stained face. I said, Are you okay? And that's all it took for both of us to loose it once again.

We just held each other and cried...letting the sobs flow freely. Somehow, in my husbands arms I felt strong although moments before I had felt weak. We talked about why it was so hard to watch that, and how it just isn't fair that we have to miss out on all of those moments with Branson. We commented on the fact that the only video we have is special to us, but not fun to watch...it's finding out Branson's heartbeat had stopped, it's filming the tears as I got ready to go to the hospital, it's a lifeless body being held in his mother's arms, it's daddy giving the only bath Branson would ever take...it's hard to watch, and even harder to think that it's the only video we'll ever have of him.

We got up and drove to the cemetery where our little boy's body is laid. We just sat there in silence letting some of the scare tissue build where the boulder had ripped our hearts apart. Once again we had to learn how to "deal with it", for what else could we do? I told Rob, Even when we have other children, I think part of my heart will still ache for Branson. I imagine that even experiencing these moments with our other children will be bitter/sweet.
I felt last night, more than I've felt before, that a permanent piece of my heart will always belong to him...and a chunk of my soul will be gone until that day the miracle will replace it.

So today as I sit here and type, the one thing that gets me through is knowing that someday we'll sit on a couch in Heaven with our eternal family, and there together we'll watch a most incredible video. We'll watch the video of our Earthly experience and we'll see how Branson has truly been a part of all of these moral moments in a Heavenly way. We'll see his influence wind through our lives, and we'll say to ourselves, we wouldn't have made it without his help. Then, we'll put in the second video and we'll see what Branson's been doing up there. We'll see all the people he's touched, and the lives he's changed. We'll see the knowledge he's gained, and the difference he's made. We'll see the missionary he's been and the valiant son of God he's remained. We'll see him come down to check on us, and help us over hurdles we'd face.

One day, together, we'll see our lives come full circle with his...one day we'll see we haven't missed anything, because we'll have it all. Until that day, we'll keep missing you Branson...but we'll look foward to the best movie night we'll ever have!

Christmas With Jesus

2008-12-23T15:01:00.000-08:00

I’M SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST THIS YEAR

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away that tear,
for I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I can’t tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?

I’ll ask Him to light your spirit
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your Spirit sing,
For I’m spending Christmas in heaven
And I’m walking with the King!

--Author Unknown--

Merry Christmas little guy...we miss you more than words can say, but we take comfort in knowing that you'll be having a spectacular Christmas with Jesus this year! We know that you'll be consumed with love, joy, and peace as you celebrate this special birth in Heaven. I pray that we'll feel you close as we too celebrate the birth of a king! We love you!

Thank you Heather for this beautiful poem that has brought me so much peace at this time of year.

In Everything I Do

2008-12-19T20:56:00.000-08:00

My dear Branson, as I go throughout the days, I can't help but be amazed that everything I do, everything I see, everyone I talk to...in everything...I think of you, feel you, and see you. From small, seemingly insignificant things to the big, monumental things of everyday life...every where I turn, there you are!

I can't help but see you in our home. The cradle in our bedroom, the swing in the family room, our new, beautiful family pictures, your bath robe hanging behind the bathroom door.

I can't help but feel of your pure, sweet spirit as I walk past your nursery and stop to take a peek. Or as I enter there to read or just sit in the rocker to sooth my aching heart.

I see you in the beautiful flowers daddy planted for you this spring. The flowers that were meant to make our home perfect for you to come home to.

In the stretch marks that beautifully mark your life upon me forever.

I think of you every time I see an infant. Every time I hear a baby giggle, cry, or coo...a giggle, cry, and coo I never heard from you.

I wonder what your up to every time I find myself bored. I think to myself, "I bet Branson's not bored...what would he have me do?"

I see you in your daddy's eyes, and your grandpa's hair.

I can't help but yearn for you as my heart pulls when I see other new moms cuddling their little ones.

I miss you at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I can't help but compare every other baby to you, and think that they're just not quite as perfect handsome, or cute as you.

I feel you in the missing piece of my soul and the expansion of my heart.

I can't help but miss you as I feel Christmas creeping closer. As I see a stocking hung, and presents wrapped. As I hear Santa's "ho, ho, ho" and as daddy reads our favorite Christmas stories to only me. As I anticipate my first Christmas without you, and every other "first" this year.

I see you in our Christmas village, and your special nativity from Dustin and Kim.

I feel you as daddy and I cuddle each morning and wonder what our next hug with you will be like.

I see your light in the lives you've touched, and feel you in the hearts you've softened.

I can't help but see you as I look at your cute little cousins and see you in them.

I miss you every time I wake up and realize I had another full nights sleep...another night without a crying baby.

I feel you as I let my tears fall and my heart swell with loneliness and pain.

I miss you tremendously every time I walk into the garage and see your stroller standing there covered with a plastic bag, a bag to protect it from gathering dust.

I see you in the missionaries that serve in our ward, and I wonder who you've taught today.

I am grateful for you as I learn new things, and gain a new perspective on life.

I think of you with every breath I take because I never got to see your lungs filled with air.

I think of you, see you, miss you, long for you...in everything I do!

You have changed my heart, my eyes, and my life forever. I will truly never be the same. I love you!

Mary, the Mother of Jesus

2008-12-11T19:02:00.001-08:00

A dear friend sent me this beautiful picture that was in the back of the Ensign this month, with a touching letter. Since I received it, I have been thinking a lot about Mary and her beautiful baby boy. I love how closely Mary is holding baby Jesus in her arms. And I love the emotions that are portrayed on her face, "concern and peace...concern for what lies ahead for her child, yet peace in knowing that this Child's Father in Heaven is over all" as my friend put it.
For as long as I can remember I have stood in awe of Mary...her worthiness, beauty, care, obedience, tenderness, love, selflessness, and purity. She was blessed to have the privilege of carrying and giving birth to her little boy, and the Savior of man kind. She had the opportunity to love him, to teach him, and to be his Earthly mother. She was able to see her baby grow into manhood and watch him choose a beautiful path and live a perfect life. I imagine she was filled with pride as her son paved the way and made it possible for all of God's children to make it back to Heaven to dwell eternally with him.
However, this year Mary means much more to me than a beautiful mother that brought the Savior into the world. She is now an extraordinary example of a valiant daughter of God who not only did these beautiful things, but a valiant daughter that did some very hard things.
I'm not sure, but I can imagine that growing up Mary might have pictured the path of her life taking a different course than it did. I can't imagine the heartache Mary felt as she was looked down upon by society for carrying this heaven sent son of God while being espoused to Joseph. While Mary had the joy of feeling her sweet baby grow and come to life inside her womb, she was faced with ridicule and judgement by those that surrounded her. Although the timing may have been difficult, she willingly accepted the call to be the mother of Jesus.
As the baby grew and the date of Jesus' arrival grew near, I imagine that just like me, Mary was filled with great anticipation and excitement at the thought of meeting her first born son, and bringing the greatest gift the Earth has ever known into the world. As she planned and prepared, I am not sure that the thought ever crossed her mind that she would bring her baby into the world in such humble circumstance. I've been wondering what Mary thought as she learned there was no room for them in the inn...was she disappointed, worried, or concerned? Regardless of how she felt, she went forward in faith. She followed her loving husband to the stable where she would soon give birth and lie her newborn son in a manger of hay. She took the most modest of circumstances and made the best of what she had. I wish I could go back to that night and see the light...the love that surrounded them.
I can't even comprehend the pain Mary must have felt as she watched a ruthless crowd shout at her son, mock him, beat him, place a crown of thorns on his head, and nail him to a cross. I don't understand the anguish that must have consumed Mary as she learned that her son was to be crucified, and that he would be leaving her so soon. I am sure there was a wrenching of her heart that was intense and real. And although I think Mary knew this part of his life had a special purpose, and that her son would be okay....I don't think it took away any of that pain. I'm sure that she too did a lot of crying, and I think she must have missed her son every day she was here without him.
Mary had to "let her son go". I am thankful for her valiant example. I am thankful that she accepted hard things that she may not have wanted or pictured for herself, and followed the plan God had for her. The beautiful, joyous moments Mary shared with her son, combined with the painful, heart-wrenching trials she faced turned out to be the most beautiful Christmas gift we celebrate. The birth of her son, his perfect example and teachings, his sacrifice in Gethsemane, his Crucifixion on the cross, and his resurrection from the tomb...all the things that make it possible for me to return to live with my Branson forever!
I pray I can be more like Mary. I hope that like her, I too can accept every part of the plan God has for me, even the parts I had pictured differently. I'm grateful beyond description for my first born son. I am filled with pride because of the path he choose, and I pray I might be the kind of mother to him that Mary was to Jesus.

Is This Really Happening?

2008-12-08T20:17:00.001-08:00

Tonight I can't sleep. As I laid in bed, tears streaming down my face, my body seemed so numb. Numb to the idea that this is all really happening...to me! Sometimes as I replay the events of the past 5 months over and over in my head, I have a hard time believing that they really happened. The shocking news that our son's heart had stopped beating, a birth, a death, a funeral, unbearable heartbreak, shattered dreams, unfulfilled visions, an empty nursery, a constant aching soul...all of this is mine.
I try so hard to keep the numbness from consuming me. It makes me feel forgotten, robbed, and left behind. It clouds my vision and takes hold of my heart.
I never wanted to accept that even though I've always tried my hardest to do what's right, that life would still be incredibly hard sometimes. I always knew there would be stumbling blocks and rolling hills to cross, but I never imagined the steep cliffs I would fall down and have to climb back up. I never heard a talk in church that explained that my family might look different from every one else, come in different timing than most, or come only to be taken away. I never had a young women lesson that impressed upon me the need to prepare for future heartaches, or a Sunday school lesson that helped me feel that infertility is real and that it doesn't mean somethings wrong with me.
I did hear a lot about preparing to be a homemaker and the importance of trying to be a stay at home mom. I heard over and over again about my divine destiny and nature as a women to be a mother. I always perceived that this role, this gift would be mine...mine to acquire with ease.
So, it's been my "mind game" over the past few months to sort all of this out in my head...and I guess I'm still working it out. I realize that the lessons probably did teach me those things, I just didn't "hear" them. I just wish, that someone would have sat me down and said "Ya know Natalie, even though you may do all in your power to do what's asked of you, life will be very hard! Even though you want to be a mom more than anything in the world, you might not get that when or how you have dreamed." But then again, maybe I'm glad they didn't...I don't know.
My heart and my mind wrestle between what I feel and what I know. It truly is a double edged sword right now. One edge is so sharp and painful. On this edge I question and doubt, fear and tremble, weep and feel paralyzed. This edge is Mortal agony and disbelief.
In contrast, the other edge is full of new insights and light. The things it's taught are beautiful. It's patient and full of perspective. It's eternal joy and unwavering love.
I guess tonight I'm praying that one day the mortal edge of the sword won't be so sharp. Tonight I am trying to grasp that this is happening and that although it was never part of the plan I had pictured for myself, it is part of His plan for me. I am loving that I am a mother...a mother to an angel. And although it's not what I've always pictured, it's more than I've ever deserved.

We'd Love to Have You Join Us!

2008-12-04T18:18:00.001-08:00

Dear Family and Friends,
Happy Holidays! We hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you’re enjoying the Christmas season as it comes into full swing. Especially at this time of year we think of you often and count you as some of our greatest blessings.
As Rob and I have thought about what we could do this year to celebrate and honor our sweet Branson, we have decided to start a new family tradition…and we would love to have you join us!
Since we can’t give Branson any “Earthly” gifts, we’ve decided to do something that we hope will help us stay focused on the real reason for this beautiful season and honor our little guy at the same time.
We purchased a stocking and had it personalized with Branson’s name. We have decided that for the remainder of the Christmas season we are going to make an extra effort to perform small acts of service. As we do so, we are going to record these small acts on strips of Holiday paper and put them in his stocking. On Christmas Eve we are going to wrap all of these strips in a box and put it under the tree as our gift to Branson…a gift of pure love shown to those in need.
Our goal is to fill his stocking to the brim with the love that is given and the peace and true joy that is received by doing service for others. We would love to have your family participate, and help us with our goal. So…if you’d like to, simply perform an act of service in honor of Branson’s memory. It can be anything…big or small…taking a plate of cookies to your neighbor, helping an elderly person our with their groceries, donating a toy to a charity organization, giving someone a hug, or a stranger a smile…the possibilities are endless! After you’ve done your act of kindness, we would love to have you email us, leaving your name, the service given, and where your family is currently living. We will print these out and add it to his stocking. My email address is: ncnataliecall@gmail.com
Our hope is that with your help we can spread pure love across the nation in remembrance of our Savior and sweet little boy, Branson. We pray that as you do this you will in turn be blessed with all the things your hearts desire.
We love you and cherish the relationships we have with you. Merry Christmas!

All Our Love,
Rob . Natalie . Branson

Treasure

2008-11-30T18:46:00.000-08:00

Many years ago our theme at girls camp was "Lay up for yourselves Treasure in Heaven". I don't remember much about camp, or any specifics of the things we were taught. What I do remember is that I came with the idea that if I did what was right, and made it back to live with my Heavenly Father that I would, in the process secure for myself treasure in Heaven. I still believe that to be true.
At the time however, the treasure I had pictured in my mind was that of a somewhat naive, innocent, young women. I imagined I would have a beautiful castle where I would reside "happily ever after" with my husband. I assumed that this treasure would resemble what I considered to be Earthly treasure. Beauty, jewels, riches, ect. I didn't put too much thought or consideration into the significance of this Heavenly treasure, how it was truly aquired, or what it really was.
Soon after having Branson I read this scripture: Matthew 6: 19-21

19 ¶ Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

As I read this scripture my mind adopted a new understanding of Heavenly treasure. My previous imaginations have been replaced with beautiful glimpses of my celestial son. Although I've only seen him as a baby with my earthly eyes, I often picture him as a young man, a missionary. Handsome, tall, and full of light. I can easily picture a smile that brightens my heart more than any Earthly jewel or treasure ever could. When I "look" at this image in my mind, I am met by the most brilliant, understanding, loving eyes. At times I even try to run towards my son and embrace the person I have imagined. A large piece of my heart longs to be with him, and therefore, where my heart is...there my treasure is also!
I still hold on to the imaginations of my young heart. However, now I don't mind so much if it's a cottage rather than a castle...a cottage where I can be with Rob, Branson, and my other children. A cottage where the Heavenly treasures can be held in my arms.
Although the journey along the way to the treasure is difficult, I know how this story will end, and it's "happily ever after"! I pray I can do all in my power to receive the treasure that awaits! Branson, thank you for being my tiny little boy that is now my biggest Heavenly treasure. I love you!

Thankful

2008-11-26T12:55:00.000-08:00

Last night Rob and I created a list of things we are thankful for. It really brought to a remembrance all the things that we count as blessings in our lives. We have so much to be thankful for! We are truly blessed with great things, things that are helping us find joy in this journey. Although we came up with over a 150 things (and we keep adding to it)...I wanted to record my "top ten" for this year.

1. The Savior
I am so grateful for the new found love and appreciation I have for the Savior. I am thankful for the new perspective I have on the atonement, and his sacrifice in my behalf. I am grateful that these things combined with his Resurrection, will enable me to be reunited with my son and spend eternity with my family. I am so grateful for the gift he has given me of the Holy Ghost. I am thankful for his understanding, patience, and continued unconditional love. I am thankful for his perfect example of how to live in an imperfect world.

2. Rob
I am so thankful for the way in which Rob loves me completely. I am grateful for his desire to make my life full and happy. His selfless love for me is truly amazing! I couldn't live without his adorable little songs that he makes up and sings each morning, or our cuddle time each afternoon when he gets home from school. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have him here to make me laugh and enjoy the good moments, and provide a shoulder to cry on during the hard, lonely moments. I feel truly blessed to be able to come home to my best friend every day, and I'm most certainly grateful for eternity, an eternity with him...even that sometimes doesn't seem long enough to be with my sweetheart!

3. Branson
What an incredible blessing our little boy has been to us this year! I am so thankful for this pure, celestial son. I am truly amazed at how much he has taught us, and how many lives he's touched as he serves his mission on the other side at this time. I am so grateful for the expansion of my heart that enables me to feel more love for him than I even imagined possible. I am inspired by his obedient example, and grateful that he chose to follow God's plan for him. I dream often of the day that our reunion will take place...oh, I can't wait for that embrace!

4. Family
Rob and I have come to appreciate even more the love and support of our incredible families. We are so blessed to have families who do all they can to be there for us every step of the way. We are grateful they understand how important our little guy is to us, and for the added strength that their testimonies bring to us in moments of heartache and fear. We will be forever indebted to them for all acts of service they have rendered in our behalf. I love that God's plan is centered around families...for isn't that what it's truly all about?

5. Friends
We couldn't help but think and talk about all of our amazing friends. Like our families, they too have helped us through some of our darkest days. We are truly humbled by the love that has been shown to us, and the continued support we receive from all of them. Being so far from home has required us to rely on this great network of friends. We are thankful for each one of them for the prayers they offer in our behalf, and for the acts of kindness that they show forth!

6. Time
Although I struggle to accept the timing of things in God's plan, I am grateful for the time I've been given. Time, six years, to build an incredible foundation of love and friendship with my husband. Time, nine months, to carry Branson with me during his short time on this Earth. Time, twenty six years, to experience life...to learn and grow from all it offers. Time, every day, to look at my life and realize how blessed I am because of the things I have, and the things that will come. Time.

7. July
We've had some hard July's...2 miscarriages have occurred in July, and Branson slipped from our arms in July. However, the two greatest things in my life happened in July...I married my eternal companion on July 12th, and I met my son on July 1st. So I'm choosing today to love July instead looking back at July's with fear.

8. Emotions
I am so grateful for my ability to feel emotions. I have never felt such strong feelings of love, anger, despair, joy, loneliness, companionship, confusion, understanding, sadness, pain, heartache, peace...there is something to be said about opposition in all things! I am thankful that I'm learning that these emotions are meant to be felt, meant to be learned from, meant to be real, meant to be intense. These emotions help us become more like our Savior, for he truly felt all things. The key, is learning how to bridle these emotions and channel them in a positive direction...I'm still working on that.

9. Christmas
I am so grateful for my favorite time of year. A time to celebrate Christ, family, friends, and traditions. I am thankful for the gift of enjoying this season. I am thankful for the lights, the decorations, the yummy food, the smells, the music, the trees, the smiles, the warmth, the glow, the joy...the season! I love it because my older brother Dustin and I share this infatuation. I have spent a lot of time pondering why I love this holiday so much and I have come to the conclusion that it is because it is perhaps the easiest time of year to give and receive the pure love of Christ, and what a beautiful thing that love is!

10. Puciini's
Yes, my new favorite restaurant. I could literally eat there every night and be just fine with that...I might be a hundred pounds heavier by next Christmas, but every pound would be enjoyed! I love, love, love the twice baked pizza...yummy! Thank you Heather for introducing me to the "adventurous" new pizza place, and thank you Rob for taking me there for every date night the past two months! I am thankful for yummy food.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Does He Know

2008-11-21T16:24:00.000-08:00

One of my greatest fears is that Branson doesn't know how much I love him. Most mothers get a life time to show their children how much they love them through physical acts, and tell them through verbal words everyday. I never got that chance.
However, I know that the love I feel for Branson is just as real and just as intense as it would be if he were still here with me today. So I've often wondered..."Does he know and feel of that love?"
This intense love for Branson started to develop the instant we discovered he would be joining our family. It continued to grow as we prepared for his arrival, felt the reality of his existence in fetal movements, and as we dreamed of all the things we would do with him. That love was magnified the instant we met our son and felt of his pure spirit. I have truly never felt a love so complete and all consuming.
I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep as I yearn to tell my little boy of that love. In every simple physical act, I find myself wanting Branson here to do those very things for him. One day I was loading a batch of laundry, and I found myself bent over the washer sobbing, not wanting to go on. I kept thinking how unfair it was that I was still having to do the monotonose little things without him here. It may sound trivial, but even laundry was something I pictured myself doing with Branson at my side. He should've been there at my hip, making things a little more difficult as I tried to pick up clothing with only one free arm. I shouldn't be able to do a whole days worth of laundry without having to stop for a feeding, or to change a diaper. I had even pictured myself having to put him on the dryer as it might be just the thing to lull him to sleep.
As I stood there, the weight of not knowing for sure if he knew of my love, was almost more than I could bear. I gathered myself up and began to walk towards the family room. As I did so I passed this picture in the hallway. I stopped and just stared at the beautiful depiction of the Savior holding my little boy. I leaned against the wall and just stood there for quite some time. As I did so, the spirit did some talking.
First, it said, "The Savior feels the same way". I came to the realization that this must be similar to how the Savior felt as we left his presence for our mortal experience. I'm sure he wondered then, and I know he often wonders now..."Do they know of my love for them?" I strongly felt that perhaps at that very instant the Savior was wondering the same thing about me. Does Natalie remember how much I love her? Even though she's doing some very hard things, does she feel it? In the hardest moments does she know it? I felt very impressed that the Savior and my Heavenly Father wanted me to know that their love for me is just as real and intense as the love I feel for my son.
I was then assured that Branson knows of my love for him. Although I've never spent time with the Savior during my mortal journey... I know he loves me, and in a similar fashion I know Branson feels of my love for him. I'm not sure how it works, but I know our spirits can remember that love from the time we spent together previously. I don't know how to explain it to others in a way to help people understand, but the day that we met our son, my spirit recognized his spirit. It was almost as if my spirit rejoiced in the long awaited reunion. Now, I just endure a form of "homesickness" to feel it again!
I pray that I might always remember the things I learned that day. I plead with Heavenly Father to let my son know of the love I feel for him, and how much I miss him. I like to think that once in a while he lets Branson listen in on those prayers!
I thank all my sweet brothers for giving us this picture that beautifully depicts where our little guy is until we meet again. Thanks guys...it means the world to us!

I Know Enough

2008-11-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for what I know. There are certainly many things I don't know and don't understand. However, the things I do know are the things that get me through each moment, each day.
Last night we read a talk in the Ensign from the most recent General Conference. It is entitled, "You Know Enough". As Rob and I read this talk together, the spirit testified of the truth that Elder Andersen shared. I felt that what he said was just for me...isn't it amazing how conference talks have that affect? One part of his talk has been on my mind all day:
"...we each have moments of spiritual power, moments of inspiration and revelation. We must sink them deep into the chambers of our souls. As we do, we prepare our spiritual home storage for moments of personal difficulty."
After reading this I remembered something my dad said to me shortly after having Branson. What he said to me made sense that night, but last night after reading this article it seemed to come full circle for me.
My dad and I were talking about timing. I was very frusterated and angry about not understanding the Lord's timing of things. After all, we had "patiently" waited for six years to have Branson, only to have him taken from our arms. Where was the justice in that? I wondered, "If this experience was meant to be ours, then why not a year after trying to get pregnant? Why six?" In a fit of rage and confusion I wanted answers, I wanted an explanation...I wanted what I couldn't have.
In the wisdom that my father has, he listened to me without judgment. He didn't try to stop me, or tell me I shouldn't think that way...he just listened. When I was finished, he told me that my questions were real and justified, he told me he understood...and then he asked if he could share his point of view on a few things.
He asked me to think over the last six years...all the good times, the bad times, the moments of spirital growth, church callings, and opportunities to share my testimony. At that moment, my mind was flooded with countless opportunities I've had to tesitfy of the very things that were the glue holding me together at that moment. I can't count or even remeber how often I was able to bear testimony to my young women of eternal families, and the reality of the knowledge that I am a daughter of God with a divine nature and destiny. As a Sunday school teacher, I was able to teach about the atonement and resurection that will someday enable me to be reunited with my son. I have had powerful moments of spiritual confirmation that the Lord is aware of my life, and that he loves me. That night I was blessed to "see" that those six years were a time of prepartion...a time that I was able to compile a "spiritual home storage" for my moments of personal difficulty.
My dad proposed that perhaps if it had been one year instead of six, I wouldn't be spiritually prepared to face the winds of adversity that are now raging against the very foundation on which I stand.
So, tonight I am grateful for what I know. Grateful that what I know if getting me through. Grateful for those moments of spiritual power, inspiration and revelation that built up my spirital home storage. Grateful that the Lord, in his mercy, gave me the gift of six years. Grateful that he presented opportunities for me to learn and come to know enough. I pray I've done enough, learned enough, and "stored" enough to see me through the dificult days ahead.
I don't know where I'd be, or how I'd get through this whithout the things I know. I look forward to learning the things I don't know
"...At times, the Lord's answer will be, "You don't know everything, but you know enough"- enough to keep the commandments and to do what is right."
I am positvie I don't know everything. However, I am confident I know enough to get me through tonight.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

2008-11-16T20:16:00.000-08:00

Over the past few days as Rob and I have been decorating for Christmas, we have had the Christmas music streaming loud and clear. I love the sounds of this time of year. It's almost as if these songs fill the air with joy and put a spring in my step. I heard the song "I'll Be Home for Christmas" many times as we decorated. I love this song because of the nostalgia that I feel as I reminisce about going home for the holidays.
My parents and grandparents have always done so much to make Christmas a magical time of year. Ever since I can remember I have enjoyed all the simple things that fill the holidays with anticipation and excitement about the birth of the Savior and the visit from Santa. There is always beautiful lights, yummy food, special decorations, Grandma's homemade chocolates, fresh cut trees, and plenty of fun to be had with family.
Moving away has made me appreciate even more all that happened at my home during the holidays, and Rob and I have tried our best to replicate the love and joy that abounded in our homes. We look forward each year to returning home for Christmas to spend time with family and participate in long running traditions. This year is no exception.
However, this year as we hung ornaments on the tree I couldn't help but think of a different home that I've been dreaming of even more than I usually do....my Heavenly home, and this song took on a beautiful new meaning. I couldn't help but imagine the special preparations that must take place in Heaven as they anticipate the celebration of the Savior's birth. I imagine the colors are beautifully saturated and the halls are decked with boughs of holly. Can you imagine the magical sound of the angels singing the beautiful carols? I am sure that our little Branson inherited the love of this season from us, and as I contemplated this idea of the Heaven's preparing for Christmas I couldn't help but envision him being the master tree decorator just like his daddy. I'm sure he's right in the thick of these preparations.
As the words "I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me. I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams" sounded in my ears, I felt an intense yearning to be truly "home" for Christmas. Although I can't return there this year, or even next,I will be there in my dreams! My son and I walking in a winter wonderland, exclaiming to all the world that the Savior was born and that he still lives today. Branson, one day daddy and I will be "home for Christmas"...you can count on us! What a joyous, magical Christmas that will be.

A Painful Visit

2008-11-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

Today I had a doctors appointment. This was to be the second post-op visit since my surgery 2 1/2 months ago in which my doctor removed the fibroids that they think may have played a part in the tragic cord accident. The main purpose of the visit today was to have an ultra sound so that the doctor could look at my uterus and see how things are healing. He wanted to be able to gage for us how much longer it would be until he would give us the "go ahead" to start trying to get pregnant.
It has been one of the hardest days in a while. I knew that today's salt would sting, but I wasn't ready for the painful memories that accompanied it.
In his office they just have one ultrasound room, and for me it is "the room". The room that brought my world to a screeching halt. The room that haunts my memory, and pulls at my heart. The room that I hate. The room where a mother's worst fears were made a reality. The room where I saw a still heart, and a lifeless body just four short months ago.
I did pretty good at keeping my emotions in check as the tender nurse led me back to the room and went through the routine instructions. However, as soon as she shut the door I pretty much lost it. As I stood there my mind was flooded with the events of June 30th. The whole day replayed in my mind, and it was as if I re-lived the all of the emotions of that day.
I was finally able to put on the robe and climb up on the table to wait for the doctor to come in. As I sat there, tears streaming down my face, I kept trying to prepare myself to see an empty screen today...no heartbeat, no movement, no baby. It was such an empty feeling. I tried to remember what it was like when that screen was full of life, and that room full of joy.
As the doctor began the ultrasound, he said he wanted to take a look at the uterus, it's lining, and the insicion sites. As he did this he commented on how happy he was with how things seemed to be healing, and he said that he was hopeful for our future.
I couldn't hardly even ask any questions because I was so choked up with emotion, but I was able to talk to him about when we could start trying to get pregnant, and then came another blow...March, yes March! I know that to most people three and a half months doesn't seem that long, but it seems like an eternity to us. Time seems to just crawl by when we think about how long it will be until we can hold another baby in our arms. This news brought on another wave of emotion and thoughts. It's the hardest thing in the world to be told that you have to "prevent" a pregnancy when that is the thing you desire most.
I was thankful to come home tonight to the warm, loving, understanding arms of Rob. It is with him that I am completly open. I appreciate him so much for the love he unconditionally shows. I am grateful that he understands my pain, and yearns to help me through the hard times. I am thankful for the tears we shed as we cuddled our "squishies" and reminiced about our son. I am blessed to have such an incredible companion that is in this with me all the way.
Although today was hard and painful, I look forward to the fresh start tomorrow offers. Branson, I love you and miss you more than words can express! I miss your movement, the sound of your heartbeat, and your hicups. I'll be loving you tonight and forever.

Worth a Thousand Words...

2008-11-09T16:28:00.000-08:00

This picture is truly worth a thousand words. Rob's brother Trevor drew it and gave it to us the night before Branson's memorial service. I now have it hanging in our Hallway.
This picture says it perfectly without saying anything at all. I love how Trevor was able to capture some of the many emotions we felt that day. Love, pain, joy, sadness, heartache, pride, and parental care. I feel as though the Saviors face also portrays his understanding and acceptance of all these emotions, as it almost beckons our patience and promises that one day he will make us whole as this miracle will come full circle.
Perhaps my favorite part about this picture is that Christ's robe falls down and surrounds Branson as we hold him in our arms. There is no doubt that Christ was with us every step of the way those few first, heartbreaking days. We especially felt his love and peace that day when we met our eternal, celestial son.
I have thought often about the exchange that took place that day. We know without a doubt Branson's spirit was with us. I have never felt anything so pure and real in my life. People have often said to us "You look so at peace in your pictures." I'm not quite sure how to explain the intense emotions and feelings of that day to those who weren't there. Although there were moments of great sorrow, and letting our son go was definitely the hardest thing we've ever done physically, spiritually, and emotionally, there was a constant feeling of peace and an assuring spirit that this was right and we would be okay.
I often find myself wanting to go back to that day for many reasons. I want more than anything to hold my little boy in my arms again. I want to look at his perfect little nose, and tiny little ears. I want to rub his little toes, and put my cheek against his once more. I want to see Rob holding his son again and looking like the proudest daddy in the world. I also want to go back to that day and capture the peace that was with us in a bottle. Perhaps if I could do that I could open it and partake of a little of that peace on the hard days. That day was perfect and tragic...if that's even possible.
However, there was a very poignant moment when Branson's spirit returned to his Heavenly home. I imagine, just as this picture depicts, that as Branson left our arms, he was returned to the loving arms of the Savior. I find a lot of peace in knowing that Branson is being taken care of by the best "babysitters" there is, and although the mortal mother in me is a little jealous, I know that he is completely consumed with love and peace.
I look forward to the day that this exchange will occur once again. However, this time the exchange will be permanent...eternal. I can't even begin to imagine the joy that will overcome us as we approach the Savior and see our little boy swaddled in his loving arms. As Branson is returned to our arms, I am sure we will want to hold him close and never let go. In that moment our eternal family will be reunited, never to be separated again. I believe our eyes will be opened to the awesome mission that he has performed during this time of separation. I imagine that I'll thank the Savior for taking care of my son and embrace him with the love that only a mother could have for someone who has watched over and taken care of her son. I hope that as my gaze meets the Savior's that he can say, "Daughter, be of good comfort; they faith hath made thee whole."
Trevor, thank you for depicting perfectly what my eternal eyes behold when I think about my son and the love the Savior feels for me, Rob, and Branson. Your portrayal of this special day says it all!

Tear Soup

2008-11-06T12:11:00.001-08:00

A few weeks ago my brother shared some insight with me about mourning that I found to be very helpful.
I read a book called "Tear Soup" that was so full of warmth and understanding. It put into words perfectly the way that I have felt through many of the differnt emotions and stages of greif. It compares this process to one of making 'tear soup'. It relates that most people are willing to share in one cup of our tear soup. When a tragedy occurs, people want to help in that moment. But, as life would have it, most people are so busy with life, and carrying their own burdens that they move on quickly and don't find it appetizing to consume more than a cup. However, as the books states, and as I have found, there are people who are willing to share in more than a cup of my soup. In fact, there are a few people who have probably had a full pot of it! They have a desire to sit down at my table of greif and partake of my soup when I need to share it. They are those who truly "mourn" with me. Jed shed some light on the difference between grieving and mourning:
The dictionary states: To Grieve is to suffer and endure anguish ALONE. To Mourn is to feel deep sorrow, sadness, and regret, but to be "more public" to share it with others, to not let it stew and grow toxic by keeping it inside.
In 3 Nephi chapter 12 Christ is teaching the people the beattitudes and verse 4 says "And again, blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Mosiah 18:8,9
...as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort,...
I don't think the order of the words in these scriptures are coinsidence. For as I have found, when people are willing to take more than a cup of my soup and mourn with me, I inturn find comfort and my heart finds peace.
In the process of making my soup those first few weeks my pot was filled as tears flowed, questions of doubt were asked, pain clouded my vision, my heartstrings were wrenched, and my soul felt empty. The beginnings of my soup were personal and could only be prepared by me.
However, it was through the taste-tasting of my soup that I first realized my soup was becoming very bitter and hard to get down. I new I couldn't stop making my soup and let is simmer as it was. If that I happened, I knew my soup would eventually be scorched and I wouldn't be able to tolerate it all.
I began to find glimpses of an eternal perspective, and spoonfulls of peace as I realized that it was in the sharing of this soup with others that I'm able to learn and grow...that I am able to go back to my pot and add new ingredients to my soup to make it more sweet. A tablespoon of patience, a cup of understanding, a dash of other's tears, a quart of love, and a handful of joy.
I have learned from all different types of chefs. There are those who have shared parts of their recipe with me because they are making a similar soup, just farther along in their cook time. There are cooks that started their soup around the same time I did, and we're learning together. There are cooks that have made soups from completely different recipes that are willing to share some of their secret ingredients with me. And there are those chefs who have almost perfected their soups that are patient as I ask them for guidance. Every type of chef has something to offer.
I continue to revise my soup, and some days when I taste it I still find it bitter, but I guess my recipe is becoming more balanced because somedays it is especially sweet and enjoyable.
My heart is full of gratitude to those that have lent a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a hug. I have learned so much much by the wisdom others have shared and the examples of those I love. Thank you to those who have contributed to my soup, and who are willing to partake of more than a cup.
It is my hope that I'll be able to share parts of my recipe with others...that someday I can contribute some sweetness to another's pot. It is in this process that we do as the Savior has asked: mourn with those that mourn, and comort those who stand in need of comfort!
I can't wait for the day that I get to share my completed soup with Branson. I hope by then that I'll have perfected my recipe, and that as we share the soup we will be "filled" with joy!

My Miracle

2008-11-04T17:11:00.001-08:00

Well, this post is about four months in the making. The principle of miracles has weighed a lot on my mind since the moment that we discovered that Branson's heart had stopped beating. It's something I've spent a lot of time reading, pondering, and praying about. For me this principle is a "big" one. Just a couple of days ago, my understanding was enlightened and my spirit recognized truth.
It's amazing to me that most times, and especially in this case, the answer to many prayers, and numerous questions was right there in the scriptures...the same place they've been for the past 4 months as I have contemplated this principle. I am sure now that my spirit and my heart were being prepared to find the answer and accept it when it came.
In the New Testament and throughout 3rd Nephi there are many accounts of Christ performing miracles while he was physically on the Earth. Ever since I can remember, I have believed in the ability that Christ has to perform miracles. I have never questioned the accounts that are recorded in the scriptures, and I have always believed that Christ, although not physically here with me, has the power to perform miracles in my life...Rob being the perfect example.
However, the instant we found out that Branson's heart had stopped beating, I wanted a miracle. I knew that Christ had the power to breathe life back into my little boy's body, and I wanted it more than anything I've ever wanted before. We spent so much time on our knees that day, asking for this miracle. Rob laid his hands on my head and blessed that life would be restored to our son, if it was God's will. I believed with all my heart that it was possible.
As we all know, that miracle wasn't meant to be ours. That has been one of the hardest things for me to accept and come to grips with. Everyone kept saying; "This trial is just meant for you to have...to grow and learn from." "This is all part of the plan." "Endure this trial and you will be rewarded." "The timing of this just wasn't meant to be, just be a little more patient." Well, quite frankly, I wanted to know why!
Why didn't Christ ever say any of those things to anyone while he was on the Earth. I couldn't find one example from the scriptures of when Christ was personally on the Earth that he didn't perform the miracle that had been asked of him. Healing the sick, giving sight to the blind, forgiving sins, cleansing the lepers, calming the sea, and yes...even raising the dead. I wondered... "Why didn't Christ ever say to someone, 'I'm sorry, this trial is just meant to be yours'...or 'I could perform this miracle for you, but it's just not right at this time." It seemed to me that when people asked, they received.
I felt as though we had asked for this miracle...the miracle of having life restored to our child. A very pure and righteous desire. I felt like we had done all we could, and that Christ should do the rest. He'd one it for so many others...why not us! We had waited for six years to receive this miracle of having a child, and I wasn't prepared to let that miracle go so soon. Suddenly the heartache we'd felt over infertility was now multiplied ten fold.
I asked many people their opinions, I read many talks, and said many prayers but the answers I received never seemed like what I was looking for. Then last Sunday in church our Sunday School lesson was on the Chapters in 3rd Nephi where Christ asks for the people to be brought forward:
"...all the multitude with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all these that were afflicted in any manner and he did heal them every one.."
A very clear knowledge came to my mind that I had never thought about before. It was true, Christ did heal these people, every single one. However, they had been sick, blind, or other wise afflicted for a period of time previous to the healing. They DID carry their trials and afflictions for a time. They too had to endure heartache, sickness, and pain until their faith in Christ made them complete at the time of his visit. Although it's not recorded, I would guess that they too had been praying for a miracle, such as the ones they received that day, for many years. Like us, they probably wondered when their miracle would come.
This got me thinking in a totally different direction, and I went home to read from the New Testament. I opened to Matthew Chapter 9:20 and read:
"And, behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him and touched the hem of his garment...Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; they faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour."
Twelve Years! Twelve years that I am sure probably seemed like an eternity to this woman who had been sick. Twelve years of enduring suffering and pain. And although she had to endure her trial for a long period of time, she was able to remain faithful enough, that eventually it was that faith that made her whole. This was the part that I was missing all along. These people didn't get sick, or carry heartache for one night and then were healed the next. The trial of their faith was a process through the refiners fire of time.
I too have a trial to carry and endure. It is painful, it causes a lot of heartache, and I want to be healed. I want to spend time with my miracle, Branson. It is from my enlightened knowledge that I find a new hope and reason to endure with faith. I believer that it will be this faith that will make me whole again.
I don't know if this healing and the miracle of being with my son will come in a few years, or even in this lifetime. However I do know that one day I will be made whole through the healing powers of Jesus Christ. One day he will call me forward and perform my miracle. One day through Christ we will be together again. Until then I move forward in faith.
Although Branson's life wasn't restored as we'd wanted, I know that his life, his mission, is a miracle in and of it's self. So today I am grateful for that miracle. The miracle of a perfect son. The miracle of eternal families, and the miracle of feeling love for a child. I am at peace with the knowledge that Christ could have performed the miracle of bringing Branson back to us, but that in his love and eternal perspective, Christ knew it just wasn't part of our plan.
Branson, thank you for being our little miracle. The example you've set, the lessons you've taught, and the lives you've touched has been truly miraculous!

Mortal Eyes

2008-11-02T16:05:00.001-08:00

Today as I sat at the back of Sacrament Meeting, my eyes filled with tears. From where I sat I could see 10 newborns, 6 pregnant women, and 3 rows full of a family there to witness a baby blessing. I heard testimonies born about the joys of being a parent, and sang songs about teaching our children. The ache was almost unbearable as the strings of my heart were wrenched once again. I couldn't help but think to myself, "Why them and not me?" More than anything I wanted Branson to be there, dressed in his cute little church outfit, snuggled in my arms. I wanted people to stop at our pew, to take a peek at our cute little guy, instead of passing us by. I wanted to bear my testimony and thank my family for attending the blessing of our little boy. I wanted to verbalize my knowledge of the gospel and my love of Christ to him. I wanted to sneak out of the meeting to sit in the mother's lounge. Instead I found myself thinking...this just isn't fair! Today's salt was especially painful.
As I sat there crying, I kept thinking that I didn't want my "mortal eyes" anymore! When I see the view that my mortal eyes provide, it's bleak and at times hopeless. My mortal eyes allow me to feel self-pity, jealousy, and anger. They allow me to question myself and the Lord. They limit my view to here and now...what I wanted, and what I "gave up". I wanted to tear away my mortal view and see this room, these people, and myself in a new way.
As soon as the prayer was said, I slipped out the back door and down to the bathroom. I put myself in a stall and had a good, hard cry. The mortal inside me said, "Just go home...it would be easier, safer." Instantly I thought back in my mind to one of my blogs from last week about how this pain and stinging is all part of the healing process. I told myself "no".
Standing in the stall, I offered a silent but heartfelt prayer. I asked the Lord to clear my mortal view and allow me to think and see with "eternal eyes". As I asked for this gift for today, for that moment, I felt peace.
When I can look at this experience and see my son through eternal eyes, what I behold is indescribably beautiful. During the moments that my eternal perspective clears away my mortal view, I have renewed strength. I find purpose. I am overcome with love. With my eternal eyes I see how much the Lord loves me, I trust in his plan, and I feel an intense desire to return to him and my son.
As I continue on this journey, I pray that the Lord may allow me to discern between the views that I behold. I hope that I can learn from the mortal view and find joy in the eternal perspective. I pray more than anything that the Lord might give me the courage to face this mortal experience with eternal eyes.

Branson's 1st Halloween

2008-10-31T20:09:00.000-07:00

Rob and I have talked a lot about how the holidays, especially this first year, will feel incomplete and lonely. As we listened to General Conference this October, we felt impressed with the message to find joy in our journey, even when the journey isn't easy. We knew that ultimately we had two choices: We could let these holidays be filled with anger, sadness, and empty memories...or we could be human and let it hurt, but still fill these holidays with treasured memories. We have decided that we would like to try and find an appropriate balance in our efforts to remember our son, keep his spirit alive, and allow ourselves to mourn our separation from him...but to also allow ourselves to feel the joy that comes from celebrating. We have a great desire to start some new family traditions this year that can be carried on throughout time as we welcome new members to our eternal family and teach them about their older brother.
We know that Branson especially would want us to find and share this joy in the journey. I'm sure that he knows how much his mom and dad enjoy decorating and preparing for holidays, and how much we looked forward to spending all the "firsts" with him...the 1st Christmas, the first Thanksgiving, the 1st Birthday, and the first fireworks show.
Well, tonight would have been Branson's first Halloween. This is just one of the many nights we had "dreamed" about spending with our son. Had Branson been with us tonight we would have dressed him up, carved pumpkins with him, and taken him around to friends and neighbors homes to show him off. However, since he's not with us...what could we do to make this "first" memorable and special to us?
Every time we went somewhere we would keep an eye out for just the right thing to help us face this difficult hurdle, something that would help us create a memory, a tradition that we could share with our future children. One afternoon while shopping, we found this adorable little pumpkin man. It was originally just the stand without the head. When we saw this, we immediately new that this would be the perfect thing. It just screamed "Branson" to us.
So tonight, we started a new family tradition, a tradition that will be carried on for many years to come. A tradition that we believe has the power to help us remember Branson, and still enjoy the festivities of the season. We bought one of those artificial, carvable pumpkins, and tonight we spent time carving this pumpkin for our little guy...didn't it turn out cute?
I can't think of any better way to spend our time tonight, the time we would have spent trick-or-treating with him. Time spent with my awesome husband and Branson's daddy, creating a physical reresentation of the love we have for our son. From now on, each year when we decorate, we'll pull out our little pumpkin man and remember Branson's first Halloween.
Happy Halloween buddy...we love you!

My Squishy

2008-10-28T20:05:00.001-07:00

Tonight as I lie here in my bed, tears streaming down my face, I can see this picture across the room on my dresser. I love this picture because it stirs so many emotions inside my heart and soul. I love the way Branson looks in this picture, as though he is sleeping in the safety of my arms. I love the look on Rob's face, one of a proud father. I love the way that my eyes seem full of peace. I think that you can see many emotions in our faces...joy, sorrow, pride, loss, misunderstanding, and peace.
Tonight as I look at this picture I feel very lonely and a little empty. I wish with all the energy of my being that I could be holding Branson in my arms again like that right now, that I could whisper words of love in his ear, and feel his spirit envelope mine again like it did that day. Instead, I lie here with aching arms and an empty cradle next to my bed.
I am grateful however for my "squishy". In this picture Branson is wrapped in a soft, blue blanket that we brought to the hospital with us that day. He spent most of the day swaddled in that blanket. He also spent time in a plush, brown blanket that he was wrapped in when the nurse took Branson from us. We were able to get both blankets back from the hospital...and they have now become our "squishies". I'm not sure where they got their name, but Rob and I each have one. We have slept with our squishies since the day we had Branson. Each night we both cuddle up to one and hold it, along with each other, as we fall asleep. I don't think that either one of us will ever forget the day we held our son in these blankets, for a short time they held the child that we have grown to love so intensely over the last year. They are a symbol of that love.
I find myself holding my squishy during the lonely times, as it is one of the very few "physical" things I have that was part of our short time with Branson. I think of all the tears that have been shed on it, all the loving words that have been whispered into it, all the heartfelt prayers that have been offered while holding it, and all the love that has been "squished" into it, and I am so grateful that it's mine to have forever.
I have wondered if there will come a day or a night that I won't feel the need to hold it close, but for now I can't imagine it. For now I'll hold it tight and share a few more tears with "my squishy".

Salt in the Wound

2008-10-27T16:10:00.000-07:00

When I was talking to a friend recently who also had a stillborn child, she commented to me that sometimes the only way to heal from the emotional, mental, and spiritual scars is to pour salt into those open wounds.
As I know from experience, pouring salt on an open wound is a very literal way to help clean and heal an open, physical wound. It can be extremely painful and almost unbearable when the salt penetrates the wound as it burns and stings on contact. Salt has many healing properties and kills most germs on contact. Therefore, it would kill any bacteria in and around the wound.
As I began to think about my friends comment, I began to realize how much truth there was in her statement. It is so tempting to want to run away, or hide from all the hard things that I have to face each day...instead of meeting those hurdles head on and pouring the "stinging salt" into my open wounds. I decided at that moment that I would try, a little at a time, to face some of the hard things and see if the "salt" would have the same effect on my emotional, spiritual, and mental wounds that it has on physical wounds. I prayed to my Heavenly Father that as I put forth the effort, that the Holy Ghost might be able to assist in cleaning the wounds I would open and face.
It has been extremely hard at times to face these things...baby blessings, holding a newborn infant, hearing pregnant women wish their pregnancy was over, face people in public who aren't tender about our situation, the list could go on and on. However, as I have faced a few of my fears, and poured a small amounts of salt on my wounds, I have felt some healing begin to take place.
The other day I went over to a dear friends house. She had recently given birth to a little boy. I had delayed my visit for several weeks because I was afraid of what my emotional reaction might be. However, with my new determination, I decided I would try a little bit of that salt. That night as I snuggled her little boy to my chest, listened to his tiny breaths of air, and felt the warmth of his body in my arms...my heart did sting, the empty hole in my soul did ache, and that night when I left I did cry myself to sleep. The next day however, I found myself wanting to hold her little guy again...at that moment, I paused and realized that although the salt had been painful, it had performed a small amount of healing.
I have a lot of healing that still needs to take place. I know that it can't come all at once or overnight. It is my hope that I can continue to find the courage to jump the hurdles that I face instead of passing them by saying, that I'll come back to them later. I know that through the healing power of the Holy Ghost and with some work on my part... peace and joy will at some time mend the open wounds of my heart. The love I have for Branson will forever be in my heart, his life permanently impressed upon my soul.

Agency

2008-10-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

"...for behold, ye are free; ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made
you free.
Helaman 14:30

Today in Sacrament meeting the topic was on agency. This brought to my mind a remembrance of something Rob and I have discussed on a number of occasions since meeting our son. We believe that agency is one of the greatest gifts that we were granted from God by choosing to follow Jesus Christ. With this great gift comes great responsibility. We are free to choose and act for ourselves in every situation we face. We had agency in the pre-existence, and when we were presented with God's plan we choose to accept it. We saw that it was right and perfect. We saw the love that God had for us because he provided the opportunity to choose for ourselves.
We feel that this was no different for our Branson. We have felt very impressed that Branson was also presented with God's plan for him, and he was given a choice...A choice to follow God's plan to be with us for only a short time to gain his body for progression, and then return to him to perform a sacred mission... or to stay on this Earth with us at this time for a mortal experience. We know that Branson choose to follow God's plan for him.
We had a very special experience when Rob gave Branson his name and blessing. Rob said that it was revealed to him that had we had the opportunity to get to know our son on this Earth, we would have found "obedience" to be his strongest personality trait. The selfish, mortal mother in me is jealous at times that he "choose" not to be with us at this time because that is what I wanted most. However, when we put our "eternal perspective" in view, we are so grateful that Branson was valiant enough to do what was asked of him.
In reality, Branson was given knowledge and it has made him free. Branson was so selfless in making the right decision. We know that Branson choose to be with us eternaly, and that fills our temporary, mortal existence with hope. We know that his choice was best for him and our family eternally. We have developed a great sense of pride in knowing that our son followed God's plan for him. It is our prayer that as we are presented with truth and knowledge from God, that we too can use it to make us free. It is that knowledge, and that freedom that I find peace for now and a great sense of anticipation in knowing that we will get to, as Joseph Smith said, raise our son from his infancy in a perfect world, if we can but use that agency to make the choices that align with God's will and plan for us. It is in that freedom that we will be reunited with our son, in that freedom and love is where as a family, we can be together forever!

Missing my Little Guy

2008-10-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

So today, I got to play full-time aunt! My sister-in-law Kim had a jewelry show to attend this weekend, and they gave me the opportunity to stay with them for a couple of nights to help her get ready for the show and then watch the kids for her today. I don't get to see my niece and nephews very often, so it was a lot of fun to be with them. We had a good time eating, bathing, reading books, doing hair, watching a movie, doing homework, and even taking a nap together. They are so cute, and I really enjoyed getting to do some of the "motherly" things with them today.
Well, tonight when Kim got home from her show, all the kids needed to bath and get ready for bed. Since Jed was gone, Kim and I did the tag team (which works out really nice). I got Grady and Halie bathed and dressed, and then Gavin wanted mommy to get him ready for bed. So while Kim got him ready, she asked if I wouldn't mind feeding Grady his bedtime bottle.
This is my favorite thing to do with babies... I love snuggling little ones close, wrapping them up, and feeding them. This is one of the things I really looked forward to doing with Branson in our recliner at night...rocking, feeding, singing, cuddling, just being together during those minutes each day. I've heard that feeding time is when a lot of the bonding occurs between mom and baby, and I was so excited for that. In fact, my arms have been so empty at times since we had Branson that they have literally ached. So I was grateful for the chance to snuggle little Grady close one more time. As the two of us sat on the couch tonight all alone, I could see a little bit of Branson in him, the big Anderson head, the cute little nose, the perfect little ears. As I longed for my son I couldn't help shedding tears of lonliness and feel the tug of my heartstrings as they ached for my little guy. As Grady reached up with his precious little hand to touch my nose while he ate, like many little babies do, I couldn't help but picture my little Branson and wish that I would have had that moment with him.
I am grateful to Kim for letting me have some time with just Grady to love him and feel the warmth of a baby in my arms. Kim, thank you for not worrying about leaving me with a baby, thank you for not telling me not to cry. It was nice to be able to shed tears and not have the "watchful, wondering" eyes upon me as I did so. It's what I needed tonight before I go back to my house and see my nursery still waiting. I miss my sweet Branson more than words can say!

Joy

2008-10-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

"Adam fell that man might be, and men are that they might have Joy."
2 Nephi 2:25

Since we had Branson I have thought a lot about this scripture. God wants us to experience joy. I've wondered, "Why then are we going through all of this pain, loneliness, and grief?" There have been "joyous" moments through having our son, but there have definitely been moments of great sorrow and days full of heartache as well.
I, like many others, read the book "The Secret". I believe that many of it's principles are true when aligned with gospel principles. However, because of what it teaches, I have repeatedly questioned myself if Rob and I "attracted" this experience. Was I too worried about my pregnancy, was I too concerned about the health of my little boy, did I fear the worst too often? This has really bothered me a lot and for a long time it put a lot of extra weight to the burdens we've carried. I felt like we must be responsible in some way for this "tragedy" that had occured, and that we must have done something to bring this experience upon us.
One day imparticular this was weighing especially heavy on my mind and heart. I went over to a friends house and confided my feelings and thoughts to her. Her response was simple, but has completely changed my perspective on this aspect of this experience. She said, "So what if you did attract this Natalie, look at what you've attracted...an eternal, celestial son! Ya know Natalie, God is concerned with making us holy, more than he is concerned with making us happy."
I loved that! We talked about how Rob and I are experiencing earthly sorrow and mortal pain, but that if we had "attracted" this, we had attracted eternal joy! I felt the spirit so strong. I was amazed at the beauty of the truth she shared with me that day.
There are many things that bring us Earhtly happiness... but there are only a few things we do in this life that can bring us eternal joy, and having an eternal family is one of them! As I reflect now on this concept and the scripture about us experiencing joy, I can see that God has provided that joy for Rob and I in a very real way. I feel now that my concerns and worries about Branson during my pregnancy we probably very normal and motherly. I am thankful for the joyous eternal perspective I've gained. It helps see me through the hard days I face. It gives me hope. I can hardly imagine the joy we'll feel when we are reunited with our sweet son...men are that they might have joy!

Nothing

2008-10-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

Perhaps one of the hardest parts of this experience has been being around people that act as though nothing has happened in our lives, that Branson was never apart of us. I am working on accepting and appreciating that these people probably just don't know what to say, or they think that in not mentioning him or talking about this experience that it will help us, save us from more heartache. However, it's a hard thing to accept when Branson is so real to us, such a huge part of who we are. It's not that I want people to medle around us in sorrow or unhappiness, but when people walk into our home for the first time since we were seperated from Branson, and they see our beautiful pictures of him up and see his nursery right off of our family room, it would be nice to just have them mention what a beautiful baby he is, or how cute his nursery is... just something so it doesn't feel as though there is an elephant in the room. Like I mentioned before, when I talk to people about it for the first time, the thing I love to talk about is him...not our heartache. I was thinking the other day if anyone would ever say "congratulations" to us on having a little boy...I don't know that day will ever come because of the heartache involved. However, at times I do feel like rejoicing that we have an eternal family, celebrating that we are parents.
Rob and I feel really strongly that this experiecne serves a purpose, that there are many things that we can learn from it. So as I feel these emotions and have these thoughts, I try to reflect and learn from each one. So as I was thinking about this, I started to think about God and his son Jesus Christ. I imagine that at times God may feel something similar as we, here on Earth, go about our lives as though "nothing has happened". That his son was never here, that he didn't atone for our sins, or give his life that we might live again. I wondered how many times I personaly have forgotten these life changing events, not used them for what purpose they were done, or have gone long periods of time without expressing gratitude to God that he let his son come, that he was and is real, and that the things he did while he was here are important to me.
While we have only faced a few people who have acted as though nothing has happened, millions of people every day go about life as though Jesus Christ never happened. It is my prayer that I might do better at remembering him every day, use the atonement to bring peace to my mind, and rejoice in the recsurection... that it may bring joy to my heart in knowing that because Christ is real, that he was here I will be reunited with my son for eternity!

The Little Things

2008-10-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
I think that this is one of my all time favorite quotes. In the last few years, and especially the last few months, I have really felt that it is the little things that make life what it is. The little things happen every day, every moment. It is the little things that compile together over time that make up the "big things" in our past...our memories. I feel it is the little things in every relationship that lend to it being whole and complete. My husband Rob, for example, is so good at doing the little things for me. It is in the little things that he completes me. It is in the little things that I feel most loved, the most special, and the most important to him. It is in the simple emails from family members and the small messages in cards that we know how much people care. It is in the simpleness of life that we create the memories of yesterday.
Since the day we were separated from Branson I have thought a lot about the little things that made those nine months we had with him so special, so complete. It is the little things that we did for him each day during our time with him that bring me comfort in knowing that he knew he was loved. We said a "little" prayer for him each night, and it is in those simple words that we expressed our concern for his well being, the excitement we felt for his arrival, and the deep love we already felt for him as his parents. It was the small thoughts every second of the day, the mention of him in almost every conversation...long or short. It's in the few minutes I took each day to rest that I got to concentrate on his lively movements, and the amazing feeling of having another living person inside me. It is in the simple, small clothing that hang in his closet, the few small hours we spent painting his room, the few moments we spent picking out the fabric for his bedding, the time I spent organizing his diapers, wipes, and blankets, it is these simple acts of love for my son that made those nine months so sweet and memorable.
All the little things that other new parents might take for granted meant so much to us the day that we spent with Branson in the hospital. The simple act of bathing our son, dressing him, putting a diaper on him, and wrapping him up, are forever imprinted on our minds and hearts. His tiny little hand and foot prints are treasures that we hold dear. The few short hours that Rob and I got to hold our sweet boy and rub his little toes, have his fingers curl around ours, and snuggle him close to us are the small moments that we'll hold on to forever. And so, it is in the "little" things, the "small" moments that have created the "big" memories of the time we spent with our son.

Lost

2008-10-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

This word has been on my mind a lot lately, "lost". It is a word used to describe this trial, "When we lost Branson." "We are so sorry about your loss." "What day did you find out you had lost Branson?" These are things that we have said to others, and that others have said to us. I wish we could find a better way of saying it though because in reality we haven't "lost" anything...we have found so much! We have found our sweet little boy, and the remembrance of his sweet spirit. We have discovered an intense love for our son that has awakened our souls. We have found and come to know another member of our eternal family. We have found a new perspective on the atonement, the love that God has for us, and the pain he must have felt as he "lost" his son to a much harsher crowd. We have found a greater appreciation for each other and the strength and faith that it takes to lean on each other during the difficult times. We have found within ourselves the ability to endure, and through the gift of the Holy Ghost to endure with faith. We have found a great motivation to do all we can to make it back to our son. So in our "loss" we have truly discovered so much!
I am not sure there is a better way to say it, or describe it. To me it makes more sense to say that we have been separated from our little boy for a short time. However, when talking to people it just doesn't seem to come out that way. I had an experience a short time after Branson's memorial service that fostered these feelings as well. We were visiting Rob's family, and we were all gathered in the family/dining area of there beautiful home. His brother had just returned from serving a mission and this was the first time that we had been able to spend time with him. His brother was standing in the kitchen and Rob and I were sitting at the dining table. As I watched him and listened to him talk, I turned to Rob and said: "It feels like Michael was never gone." It truly felt like he had never left and that time of separation from him had never occur ed. As I said and thought that, the strongest impression came to my mind. Words as clear as a person talking stated, "That is exactly how you will feel about Branson." This time on Earth seems like such a long time to us as we sojourn upon it, but I was reminded that day that in the eternal scheme of things this life is so short. I feel that when we are reunited with Branson that we will have a full remembrance of the time we spent with him in the premortal life, and that our separation from him will feel like it never happened. I am grateful to the Lord that he allowed me to gain a better eternal perspective that day, and I look forward to the day that I can turn to Rob and say, "It feels like we never left Branson!"

Kind Words

2008-10-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echos are truly endless." Mother Teresa

Today I am grateful for kind words. As Rob and I go through the trial of loosing our son, we have been blessed to have great family and friends beside us. I am not sure that anyone will know how much the power of love and support we have felt has done for us. Amongst the many cards, letters and phone calls, I seem to recall the simple, loving, kind words most often. "Just wanted you to know we care," or "We are thinking of you and your beautiful son," or "You are in our prayers." Simple, but kind words that have helped so much. It was and is the visitors and phone calls that are short, but sincere that I don't dread answering. I appreciate the people who just listen at times, and understand at other times that I don't want to talk at all. It's the people that want to hear about our sweet Branson that I love to talk to, "Tell me about Branson, how big was he? What did he look like? What feature do you remember most? What was your favorite moment with him?" These are just a few of the things I love to talk about. So as I reflect on the kind words that "echo" in my mind, I am grateful for all the awesome people in my life who love me, Rob, and Branson. Thank you!